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Chapters (57)
  1. Cover
  2. Title
  3. Dedication
  4. Dedication2
  5. 1994
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 2006
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 2018
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. Acknowledgements

Maybe it was going to be all right. Maybe it would even be better. She was tired but lots of people worked hard. She might be able to keep the flat. She went to lean into someone who wasn’t there and the groaning hole deep inside her opened up again and she had to read the comments through tears.

29

29

She walked around a lot in the days following – like she was looking for something. It was a mindfuck and in her clear-headed moments she knew there was nothing to find. She wasn’t either of them, she was both of them and if someone used one of the names it meant nothing. It didn’t matter at all. She was the same. In every single way. Nothing had changed about her – except instead of being split over two bodies she was back in one. Like she had been for all the terrible years before that night twelve years ago. She had never looked after herself until there were two of her, and now everything had collapsed again and she was by herself, so it made sense to go back to the old name, the name she was called when she did all the terrible things.

She was one again. She had been two, and now she was one again. Heidi had called Peggy and Greta slippery sometimes – like they were clumsy, like she hadn’t been careful enough, and maybe Heidi was right. She needed to go back to the old name – it was the honest thing to do. But this going back and forward about it in her head was a coping mechanism, delaying the hurt. She berated herself for not being able to just do it. She talked to herself a lot more than they had talked to each other. It was incessant. Then she wondered if maybe she was someone completely new. If she was going to change her name, why not change it to something completely new? But the old name would still be on all the records. She could be two people, she had been – but not like that. But did she need to? Why not just let people call her what they wanted?

‘Peggy,’ Donna said to her the next day at work, and she said, ‘Yes.’

‘I’m having a fucking rough time,’ Donna said, and then a look of disgust went over her face for an instant. ‘Wait,’ she said. ‘Are you Greta?’

‘Well,’ she started.