BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (57)
  1. Cover
  2. Title
  3. Dedication
  4. Dedication2
  5. 1994
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 2006
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 2018
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. Acknowledgements

‘That was good though?’ Margaret realised how she sounded. Rachel was drunk and she was sober, and she sounded whiny.

‘It was great.’ Rachel kissed her on the top of her head and left.

Margaret kept going back to the bar. Not drinking, just looking, and sometimes she found what she was looking for and sometimes she didn’t. But when she woke up, always at the same time that they woke up, she was alone. No one wanted to be leaned on that much, she realised. They could tell that there was something different about her. Something needy. They circled her. Kept her at a distance, even when they were knuckle-deep in each other. So, she stopped saying ‘You could stay’ and instead just said ‘Thanks’, and joined the march towards what she wanted. That moment. She never got used to coming alone. She learnt to masturbate but that was even stranger.

She videoed herself, close up, so all she could see were her hands and her cunt and she watched it while she made herself come. Using the exact same strokes. A copy of a copy. It was the closest she could get, and it was better than having anyone else there. She would stop going to the bar so often, maybe. She knew she wouldn’t stop going to the bar, but for now the video worked fine, if she let it rest as close to her face as she could. She missed the smell and the taste, but it was as close as she was going to get. She was back at the bar the following night.

She had lunch with Heidi on Saturdays. They’d stopped going for tom yum. ‘There’s a new Korean place,’ she’d said to Heidi about a month after it happened. She’d looked up all the new places in the area. Had said it a few times in the mirror before she left home to meet Heidi. ‘There’s a new Korean place,’ she said to herself in the mirror. Looking for any flinch. The first time she said it, she cried a bit. They needed to say goodbye to the tom yum place, and she wouldn’t go there again with Heidi. Maybe she would go by herself. Later. When she was feeling better.

31

31

Margaret went to meetings three times a week. It was the place where things were most the same. The place she could let her guard down, where she was least likely to make a mistake. She threw herself in. At first some people called her Greta and asked where Peggy was. Others called her Peggy and asked where Greta was and then, gradually, she started introducing herself as Margaret and the people in the meetings took her word for it and it was relatively seamless. New people were coming all the time, and the ones who had known them for a long time believed her and moved on.