BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (57)
  1. Cover
  2. Title
  3. Dedication
  4. Dedication2
  5. 1994
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 2006
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 2018
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. Acknowledgements

‘Yeah,’ Margaret said, and it all started in her head, so many voices with an opinion about who it was she had seen and whether it was what she thought she had seen. Had they smiled at her? Now when she thought back, they had both looked at her and smiled, then looked away and passed her in that way that meant she didn’t touch either of them. One voice in her head spoke above the others, calmly and clearly. She couldn’t be sure now what she’d seen, but she was certain of how she’d felt. When she first saw them as they walked towards her, as they passed her so close and she watched them walk away, she was made right in a way she hadn’t known was possible again. It was different from all the ways she’d been trying to manufacture that feeling by herself since the night in the doorway all those years ago. It was so different. She’d tried to accept this life for twelve years, but when the feeling passed on either side of her, so close, and left her standing alone as it walked away, she realised this had never been acceptable to her, only bearable. She’d thought she was living a life – she’d tried to tell herself that – but really it was nothing. She’d spent twelve years by herself feeling nothing and kidding herself that she was okay. For that split second, as they passed by on either side, she realised how terrible being alone had been.

She reorganised herself. She stepped back into this body and the role she played in this body. She shifted and laughed. ‘Cute dog?’ she said to Heidi. ‘I love a cute dog.’ And then the Tamagotchi phone beeped.

‘What the fuck is that?’ Heidi said. She moved towards Margaret, reaching out like she was going to touch the Tamagotchi phone tucked into the top of her trackpants.

Margaret snatched it out and laughed. ‘Paranoid client,’ she said, and looked at the screen. U dn’t hve to tell H :). And there was no need for the message, because there was no way she was telling Heidi now. Not a chance.

Heidi looked at it. ‘Is that the kid’s phone you found that day?’ she said. ‘In the kitchen? The day I brought back the pizza stone.’

‘Huh?’ Margaret raised her eyebrows. Acting like she didn’t know what she was talking about.