He could not remember how to say where he wanted to go. He said, “Help me remember.” The name of the place was on the tip of his tongue, like hot food. It was as if his tongue was burning. He was stuttering.

He put his foot in one shoe and threw his jacket on his shoulder. “I have to go there.”

“Where the hell is there?”

He grabbed Mahin’s hand. “Take me there!”

“Where the hell do you want her to take you?”

Maman was beyond herself.

“There is water there. It is not dark.”

I said, “Park?”

He repeated “Park! Park!”

He asked me to say it again. “No, no that is not it.”

Maman was pounding on his pillow. “Lie down.”

Father looked at Maman with fear, and held Mahin’s hand tightly. “I have to go.”

Maman screamed. “Go, go and leave us alone. Then go! Hurry up and get the hell out of here.”

Father looked at us one by one, though with no recognition. His mouth was half-open, and his dentures were pushing out. His eyes narrowed. We were all looking at him. He was crying.

Chapter 32

32

“You’re like glue, superglue.”

I wait, and when Amir comes I cling to him.

“Stay. Don’t leave again. I can’t take it any longer.”

Amir is happy and full of energy. He kisses my face again and again.

“One day I’ll take you all there.”

“Take us now,” I beg.

Amir gets edgy.

“Don’t cling to me like this. Stay here close to you for what . . . to die of hunger? Can’t you see where we’re heading? Have you gone blind? We have frightening days ahead of us, horrible and dark days.”

I get out of the house. If I stay, I’ll hate myself, him, the house, and even the children. I leave milk and food for the kids and let Amir know. I have to get going. It’s getting dark. My clingy kids follow me with their eyes. Amir has to divert their attention so I can get out of the house. But Shadi notices and screams.

It has been snowing steadily since last night. It’s dark. Passing a few alleys, I get to the main street. It is lit in the main street and the bright lights of the market can be seen from far away. I cover my mouth with the corner of my shawl and walk toward the noise and the light. As I walk I feel less worried. What a blessing not to worry about the kids, to be able to go for a walk, even in such cold weather, in a snow that will soon turn into slush. It’s been a long time since I have stepped out of the house alone. Isn’t it better to go back right now? No, I won’t.