The bedroom is all set, the bed, the mirror, and the dresser. I want to lean on the pillow. I did it, but I realize that I can’t think about Amir, about Baku, about the future. I can’t think of anything. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the kitchen is too small, and at other times, it’s that the room doesn’t have any wall space to lean on. Sometimes, it’s because the bathroom fan makes a horrible noise. I try it all. I check every corner of the house. Something has to be moved around.

Shahin can’t read the first letter that Amir has written for him. Holding the letter, he is following me, and I have to correct his reading.

“It’s not prinkapuls. It’s principles.”

Shahin reads one word and I read the other.

“Goal.”

I tell Shahin to wait till later.

“Pride.”

His words hit the back of my head like rocks.

“Hard work and persistence.”

My head feels heavy. I lie down on the floor in the middle of the living room. I feel I have fallen in a merry-go-round and I am turning around. I think my dream is flawed. Like that cracked piece of china that I didn’t want to throw in the garbage, but I know it’s of no use any longer. The merry-go-round that I am riding on can’t take me far away. I keep turning and yet remain in the same spot.

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

I say, “Nothing. I’ll get up after I rest a little.”

But I want to say, “To hell with this house.”

Chapter 37

37

I am running a fever. Maman was supposed to stop by, but she didn’t. Her feet hurt too much. Shahla called a few times and said I should go to the doctor. She says I shouldn’t have let Amir leave and have fun by himself in Baku while I am left alone with two kids. I don’t say anything.

By late night my body is on fire. Maman didn’t come. The phone doesn’t ring any more. Shahin and Shadi are sitting by my side. I tell them I can’t get up, and they should go to the fridge and find something to eat.

I close my eyes. When I open them everything is clean and organized. The kids have put things away. Shahin has brought a wet cloth, putting it on my forehead. Shadi is trying hard to remove my socks. Shahin tells her to leave my socks alone and get a glass of water for me. Their tiny little hands move all over my body. They talk very quietly with each other and are careful not to wake me up. I am shivering.