Shahin does not know what it means to dismiss someone. But he knows that it is my fault. I have so many faults by now. They have been stacking up, one on top of the other, becoming like a heavy wet blanket that I want to pull over me and stay covered. I am not a mother, not a daughter, and not a wife. I am nothing. I cannot perform any of the roles that have been assigned to me. I was no good as a child, either. My life did not matter. Maman was hoping for a boy and I turned out to be a girl. I was a gofer for Father. He would want me only for cleaning the dandruff on his jacket, fanning and bringing coal for his hookah, clipping his toenails, and taking off his socks. Children for him were like the images on the hookah. He always preferred decorated hookahs over plain ones.

Mahin opens the window. It is warm and sunny.

“I’ll stay with the little ones. You get out and have some fun. You need a change. Don’t worry. Go get an ice cream. Do something to get out of this mood. Don’t be so upset. Take a look at yourself in the mirror.”

I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror.

Chapter 27

27

A woman who cheats on her husband can look like anybody except Manijeh. A woman who cheats cannot pay attention to everybody, the way Manijeh does. A woman who cheats cannot enjoy the scent of her daughter’s hair and kiss her the way Manijeh does.

She says, “Why don’t you take care of yourself? Why don’t you ever leave this house? Why don’t you come and visit us? Go shopping or to the park?”

I laugh and set the plate of cookies on the table. “You should be asking yourself these questions.”

She pretends not to hear me. “You are going to get really bored and depressed.”

I say, “I know, but the dead do not come back to life by going to the park or by wearing more makeup.” Then I blurt out, “But maybe by falling in love.”

I blush a little.

She looks at me doubtfully. I am not sure whether she doubts herself or me.

She says, “Who can find love?”

“You talk like Amir. Amir believes that love saves people, but here nobody can save anybody. Overly busy and unfortunate people start a relationship and call it love. But this is more lust than love.”

It is now Manijeh’s turn to blush.

“It is not just lust.”

What is it then I want to know?

I am thinking about treating her with coffee instead of the usual tea, but I want her to come clean first.

To make her talk, I say, “Maybe it is companionship, short-term relationships like going for short trips.”