I have caught her off guard. She knows well that I don’t want to hear about lice, dandruff, and a thousand other incurable diseases. About the water that was brought from far away, and cold nights, and the fire that was impossible to start in the wood stove. She knows that I have no interest in remembering dirty baths and unpaved dusty roads, or the few and far between cars in the streets of those days.

“Bless your heart. I don’t even remember what I ate yesterday. You want me to open a grave?”

I want to say that inside me the graves are still open. I haven’t covered them over with dirt yet. The dead are lying with their eyes open.

Maman must talk. Otherwise, how can I find out why she didn’t go downstairs that night? Why did she lie down like a corpse with her eyes wide open and remained still for hours in the dark?

Aunt Mahboub says, “I married Jafar only to be able to wear lipstick.”

Jafar was her first husband.

“They said you can’t wear lipstick before you get married.”

Maman doesn’t know why she married Father.

“One day they gave me to your Father. I thought maybe he is my second father and now I should be his daughter. Somebody punched me on the side and said, `He is not your father, he is your husband.’ From then on, any time I got punched I knew something important was about to happen.”

Amir says, “When I married you I told you I wanted a life partner, not an obstacle on the road.”

I don’t remember Amir saying anything about a road.

“I need help, support, and encouragement. Partnership. Otherwise, the world is full of prophets of doom who know how to dash your hopes.”

He holds my hand and pulls me up.

“How come your belly doesn’t get any smaller? Ha? I want to see you there with a new look, a new you.”

He puts his arms around me and dances to an imaginary song, moving me with him here and there. “Traveling is good for your soul. We will see new people. Find new friends. We ourselves will change.”

While dancing you can’t ask how we are going to change or what we are going to change into. Amir turns me gently. How kind he has become. How soft his voice is. He closes his eyes. I can’t do that. Somebody’s eyes should remain open to keep away from the furniture, and Shahin’s craft project that I didn’t have time to pick up and is left on the floor. I envy Amir for being able to change his fate by closing his eyes and imagining himself in a better place.

I say, “Oh, I am sorry.”

I had stepped on his toes.

Chapter 13

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