All of a sudden I stop. “Have I become what I wanted?”

I am frozen like a windup doll that all of a sudden goes completely unwound, with my arms still stretched open.

Shahin yells, “Maman should dance.”

The kids are getting rowdy. They have turned up the music. I bend over shaking my hair like when I get out of the shower. Starting again, I dance even faster than before.

Chapter 29

29

“Maman! Amir is leaving.”

“His bird has flown away. He can’t stay here any longer. He has to follow his bird. Let him go.”

Maman says that everybody has a bird. When the bird flies away and lands somewhere, it calls out for its owner to follow.

Amir’s bird has landed in Baku. It has flown ahead and is waiting for him. Baku is not way out there. It is close by. It is only a few hours drive.

“I will send letters. I will call. I will come and visit you once a month.”

“Don’t go, Amir. I can’t. The kids are too young.”

“Think of their future. Life is not only about today. Tomorrow we won’t be able to meet even their simplest needs. You cannot find these kinds of opportunities every day. Leaving is the only option.”

“Stay so you can come home at night.”

Amir hugs me without saying a word. He has made up his mind. I know that his bird has gone ahead of him and is waiting at the Metro station in Baku. He wants to fly away too. And see new places. Experience a different life.

“You should live your own life, too. Don’t be so dependent on me. I will send you money. Take care of the kids.”

He starts packing his bag while whistling a song that is not for me anymore. Amir can manage without me, but why can’t I do the same? I can’t. Already I am dreading the long afternoons without him.

Amir says, “The future is dark, very dark. The only way out is my work, especially now that I am still young and have energy. There is no other way. I have to go.”

Amir’s bird has flown to Baku ahead of him and is awaiting its owner.

Chapter 30

30

Shahla is on a diet. I serve her salad without dressing, with lots of dill.

She’s talking about the architecture of our house. “The bathroom is out of sight and near the shower. That’s good.”

I ask about her coworkers. But Shahla insists on talking about the bathroom. Talking about the flush and how big the toilet is.

You can’t walk ahead of Shahla. You have to wait and move at her pace.

“There is enough room to even add a European toilet.”