I change Shadi’s diaper. Shahla is watching my hands to make sure I wash them carefully. She walks behind Shahin and picks up the junk on the carpet. I seat the kids next to me to make sure they don’t get the table dirty, and don’t pound on the door with the palm of their hand, or that they don’t touch the phone, or make noise with the knife and plate. Shadi likes to walk on the couch, and she makes the cover fall off every time. The clean kitchen floor makes Shahin excited, and he wants to slide on it.

I want to help Maman and Shahla with cooking. They say it’s better if I watch after my kids to make sure they don’t do anything wrong. At lunch I make sure they don’t put the yogurt spoon on the table cloth, don’t spill rice, and hold their glasses carefully.

Maman says, “Put the kids to sleep so we can all take a nap.”

She brings a pillow and tells them to keep quiet; otherwise the boogeyman from downstairs will come up and eat them. The kids can’t sleep. They want to play. Shadi crawls under the couch. Shahin is bored and whiny.

I am back in my own house. I tell myself I’ll stay right here till the kids grow up. I won’t go anywhere anymore. We’ll stay here within these walls, the three of us. It’s as if for the first time I face the reality of my life. As if only tonight I am able to throw away such nonsense like a shared life, the warm family unit, and other rubbish, and make up my own definitions. This is my life and these two kids belong only to me. Now I have all the responsibility to continue as I see fit. The heavy pain makes me wipe away my tears. I feel I have become stronger.

Chapter 41

41

Mahin squeezes Shadi and makes her scream. Then she gets up and plays dodge ball with the kids. Shahla laughs, “Big kid!”

Maman watches Mahin and her eyes fill with tears. These days Mahin sings. She shops and speaks English. She writes letters. Makes a list of things she wants to take with her, and now she has turned to the kids.

“What do the little ones want their aunt to send them from abroad?”

Shahin says, “A gun.”

Shadi says, “I want a gun too.”

Shahin quickly says, “Monkey see, monkey do. Are you a monkey?”

Mahin teases Shahla. “Come on, tell me: shampoo, soap, lotion, toothpaste, perfume, and . . .”

“There is no need. I buy them here. The Iranian ones are better.”

Mahin says, “You don’t like to spend money, Miss Stingy.”

Maman says, “Thank God, she does have money.”

Shahla laughs, “I am saving for a rainy day.”

Mahin wrinkles her nose.

“What’s a rainy day anyway?”