“You have me!” Liam yells. Finally, something is getting to him, he is losing his cool, his hand slices through the air. I want him to feel as untethered as me because of how lost I am in all this. Lost and alone – completely trapped inside my own head.

“No, I don’t. You won’t be here!” I will still be alone, I think.

“Because you won’t let me.” He points down at me alone on the ground, as if it proves his point. His voice is still rife with tension when he spits out more anger. “How can I help you if you just yell at me instead of just telling me what you need like an adult.”

Fuck him for trying to rationalise what I’m feeling. If I could tell him what I need I would, but that isn’t an option because all I know is I need a steady shoulder to lean on.

“I’m scared.” It hurts to say the words. It hurts to admit my world is spinning with no end in sight.

“Scared of what exactly, Sunshine?” he says softly. I don’t know when it happened, but his arms are around me. Liam is sat by my side with one hand steady on the back of my neck pulling me to him.

“Losing you. Being alone!” Finding the words is difficult. Coming from a family like mine meant that emotions were mine to hold, not to share. But suddenly in waltzes Liam, demanding my heart beat for him. “Doing this again wasn’t something I planned on and I will still have to look after Jack and that takes everything in me already without a baby and sleepless nights.”

“I’m not going anywhere, if you aren’t sleeping then neither am I. When the baby wakes you up I will sit with you until they fall back asleep, you need someone to pick up Jack you ask me, ask and I will do anything to make it happen.” He makes it sound so easy but he has not done this before. If I try to wake him every time he will hate me before the baby is even a month old. The season will be starting and he thinks he can win at hockey on zero sleep, he is not invincible.

“What about when you’re away for games, Liam? You can’t promise to be here when your job demands you leave.” I need him to see, to understand how difficult this is going to be.

“Then we hire a part-time nanny for while I’m away if that’s what it takes. I’ll buy a damn jet so you, Jack and the baby can travel with me if you want. You know Lyndsey would love the extra hours.”