I want us to be okay, but our lives are going to be tied together forever once we get up from this couch. My biggest fear is that he will one day hate me for dropping my life onto him and bulldozing the future he had pictured for himself. Having a baby is a lot of work, but I come with my own little family already and I don’t think Liam is ready for everything that is going to bring his way.

We can’t be more than co-parents; it just wouldn’t work. Between his travelling, my florist business, Jack’s needs, my own health… it would be a headache to even think about aligning our schedules to form a relationship again. I need to keep that wall between us, for both of our sakes. Even if we did date again, I can’t take another possible heartbreak. How could I care for two children while mending my disappointment? I can’t let my selfish desire to kiss him again cloud what is best for the baby.

“You don’t know Jack, and it’s been a long time since we spent time together. Real time. There is going to be crying. Not just the baby, me too. I cry a lot these days,” I admit on a watery hiccup.

“I’ll have to step up to it then, won’t I?” he confirms. “For the baby and even for Jack. But for now, I think we should stop catastrophising and talk about the next steps.” He shifts on the couch, sitting up slightly. “If you want us to figure out how parenting is going to work for us, you need to let me help where I can. You know more than me when it comes to babies, so I want to follow your lead. It’s your body, I want to support you.”

For once, I’m the one with the expert knowledge. Liam must remember how much I enjoy being in control. It’s why I run my life on a schedule, it makes the pain easier if I don’t have to think about the rest of my life as well. Meaning when I got pregnant the first time around I made sure to read every book under the sun that even mentioned pregnancy or birth. I joined a bunch of forums so I knew I was getting the real information and not just psychobabble about how I was going to glow and that the whole thing was going to be sunshine and rainbows.

Over the next two hours I relay all of the information he is going to need. At least for the first few months. I save the gorier details for another day, maybe when he starts to annoy me I will show him that diagram that shows how big ten centimetres really is just to see him squirm.