I get ready to argue, but he’s right. Mixed in with my fear and uncertainty is that night at Sensorium. I was happy. And then Amy’s dad gripped my hand and squeezed all that happiness out of me.

But, sometimes, I still see the strobes flash across her face or remember a yelled conversation chopped into pieces by the beat. For once, my anxiety wasn’t pushed to the side—it vanished.

“What if I’m right?” I ask.

Zak raises his eyebrows. “What if you’re wrong?”

40

I have Zak’s words in my head on repeat. It’s the only way to drown out the fears.

There’s more than one. There’s the fear that I’m right and Amy is in trouble. There’s the fear that I’m wrong, but I’ll never stop worrying. And there’s the fear that comes when you’re about to ask a girl out for the first time ever, but you’ve forgotten how to speak.

“Do it,” Zak says, nudging me until my legs take over, and I’m five…four…three steps behind her.

“Hey,” I say.

Amy turns around and says, “There you are.”

She talks like we’re more than this, and I want my thoughts to catch up to hers. But I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even been on a date.

Zak is staring from across the courtyard, and I can already sense his disappointment. “Maybe next time,” he’ll say. Only his words will be tinged with the feeling of failure—mine, not his.

I think of Mum taking a chance on Dad…then another on Jay. Not all her decisions were disasters. Then I swallow my nausea and say, “I was wondering if…”

Amy’s eyes lock on to mine and don’t let go. She knows what’s coming. I’m too obvious and too tragic, but she doesn’t laugh. She smiles and waits, and, somehow, I squeeze out the question.

“…you wanted to…do something…with me.”

“Sure,” she says.

She sees Zak over my shoulder and waves. Then she kisses my cheek and says, “I’ve got to go.”

Amy walks toward the science block until she’s lost in the crowd.

It’s weird how school works. There are hundreds of us, but we only notice a few. If things were different, I wouldn’t know her at all.

“Well?” Zak asks.

I breathe out and say, “What do people do on dates?”

He slaps me on the back and shakes his head. “I have no idea.”

41

In films, people go to the carnival and kiss on the Ferris wheel, but there are no fairs around here. The only restaurants are McDonald’s and some other fast food. When people go out with each other, that’s all they do. They go outside, and then, when they get cold, they come in again.