Mum looks at me, and I want to cuddle her because she’s so sad. The tears she hides must have washed away the anger, and all she wants is Will back. But that’s impossible. Dad has his head down, and Mum looks lost. This used to be the best day, but now it’s the worst. Mum used to sing and dance and look at Will like he was treasure. And Dad used to laugh and joke and hold Will up like he was the World Cup. So I think of something, and then I say it out loud.

“I used to know someone who loved this pie.”

I can feel Mum’s eyes on me, but she doesn’t speak, so I keep going.

“He was a little boy…like you. And this was his favorite dinner.”

Logan tilts his head. “Really?”

“Yep. He would have eaten it every day if he could. But it was special, so he only got it once a year.”

Logan pokes the dinner with his fork, so I say, “I love it as well. Don’t you?”

He looks unsure, and his eyes jump to Mum, then back again.

She’s staring at me with a look I’ve never seen before. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but that doesn’t scare me because there’s nothing bad behind her eyes.

Logan takes the tiniest bite, and I say, “See?”

He nods and eats a bit more, but none of us finish ours. Mum cries quietly while Dad’s shoulders shake, and I wonder if I’ve done the right thing.

This is still Will’s birthday, even if he’s not here to celebrate, and I want what’s left of my family to be some kind of happy.

IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII

“I’m sorry,” I say with my face buried in the pillow. I want to scream it, but my parents would hear, and I don’t want to ruin a day I think I’ve just saved.

I can’t remember the last time we talked about Will. His name feels like a forbidden word, so I didn’t say it out loud, but I brought him back to life for a few wonderful, horrible seconds. It was nice talking about him, but now it feels like I’ve picked a scab and the bleeding won’t stop.

Logan is asleep, and Mum and Dad are downstairs, their words turned to mumbles by the carpet.

Whatever they’re saying, they are talking to each other, and it’s been ages since that happened. The sounds are low then high then low again, which means this is an actual conversation.