I’m thinking all this as Logan stands in the hallway in his new school uniform and Mum looks so proud. Dad seems lost, like he’s joined our family by accident. And I stay in the shadows and watch my fake baby brother grin for his first photo since we took him.

“Remember everything I told you,” she says.

Logan nods. “It’s okay, Mum. I remember,” and she looks at him, then at me, and she’s crying.

She looks proud and broken at the same time, and I think I know why. She knows this isn’t real, but it’s all she’s got.

It’s like when we used to play Creatures, and Will knew what I was telling him wasn’t true. But he wanted to believe it so he did, just enough to keep playing.

Mum drives us to school, which means I don’t have to get the bus. She drops me off first, and Logan says, “Bye.” And I hope, hope, hope that he’s a good actor.

IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII II

I can’t remember the last time I learned anything at school. I don’t even know what my teachers said this morning.

At lunchtime, I sit on my own like I always do. Nia has new friends, now, and I wonder what they talk about. Sometimes I’m jealous because she does things that remind me of before, like laughing so hard that she snorts or pulling on her blazer when she’s nervous.

If Nia’s mum wasn’t pregnant, maybe we’d still talk. Or maybe I’m so sad that I can’t pretend to be happy around anyone, not even my first best friend.

I wonder what Logan’s doing now? Is he answering when his teacher calls him “William”? Is he enjoying school or has he told them everything?

I feel the nerves rise in my stomach and climb up my neck, filling my throat with the lunch I managed to choke down. I try to blink the image away, but I can’t, so I squeeze my eyes shut and think of anything else. But everything I imagine breaks apart, so I picture Logan in his uniform. I’m scared that he won’t say anything…and I’m scared that he will.

It should be my brother at school. It should be him in the clothes that are a bit too big with the wonky smile and the everywhere-hair. It should be him I come home to tonight, telling me about his new teacher and his friends.

“It should be him!”

I don’t realize I’ve screamed until I see people staring at me. One of Nia’s group says something and they all laugh, but Nia stays serious.