Mum sniffs behind us, and I move closer to Dad, because we’re not supposed to do this. She only gets upset in private, and I try my best.

The floor creaks, and I close my eyes, waiting for her to yell. But I feel the bed drop slightly, and, when I look, she’s sitting next to us.

Mum takes Dad’s hand away from his face and kisses him. Her fingers tell me to come closer, so I do, and she pulls me into a hug with Dad in the middle. He’s shaking, so I grip tighter, and then I see Mum is shaking too. Her eyes are closed, but the tears are there, sticking her eyelashes together.

I think the words, then say them out loud. “I’m sorry.” This is my fault. Mum gave me a job, and I messed it up.

“I know,” she says, and I feel lighter, because she isn’t telling me off or blaming me. And then I think of Will and feel heavier than before. He used to sit on Dad’s shoulders and laugh at the sky. I was too small to carry my brother that high, but now he’s there, pushing me down.

I guess he weighs more now that he’s gone.

IIII IIII IIII

Dad breaks more often than Mum, and it takes longer for him to mend as well. The day after Mum cries, it’s like I dreamed it.

She says we need to focus on the plan. But I’m scared, because, even though we’ve practiced and Mum says it’s the right thing, I’m worried it’s wrong. There are different types of wrong, and the worst kind is what happened to Will. But that doesn’t make this right.

“I don’t want to,” I whisper.

And Mum says, “What did you say?”

It’s too hard to repeat it, so I don’t. But she heard because she stares at me. “You’re the reason for all of this. If you had been a better sister…”

I think she’s going to cry again, but she doesn’t. Her eyes go thin, and she breathes out and whispers, “You want to make it better, don’t you?”

I nod because I do. If the police find out, they’ll take me away, and Mum will go to jail and Dad will live here on his own.

He’s fixed the hole in the fence, and Mum said something about horses and gates, but he shouted, “I had to do something! I couldn’t stare at that fucking reminder anymore.”