“You really are the genius of the family. I have to work so hard to know the things that are so obvious to you.” She brightens. “Have you considered theological studies? Or psychology? I think you’d be a great—”

“Okay, now you’ve lost it. Go! Grand romantic gesture, remember?”

She kisses me on the cheek, grabs her mason jar of soup, and skips—actually skips—out of the kitchen.

When Mae crosses the Charles with Nate, I go upstairs.

This house used to be the place we sometimes stopped by on our way to the Cape for Christmas or Thanksgiving or summer vacation. Now it’s this other thing. Not my home. But also not just a place to crash for the night after a long flight across the country.

This idea of home has been getting to me a lot lately.

This past week, to be exact.

I’m so proud of my sister. So proud. And happy for her. It makes me smile to imagine her one step closer to space.

But I don’t know where that leaves me.

For a minute there, I thought I was okay. That everything would be okay. Going to meetings, counting my fingers. Jo is cool. I missed Drew, but I was really okay. Now I’m beginning to feel what it will be like when she’s gone and it’s just me and Aunt Nora and Uncle Tony. Nate will be around, but only on weekends, and only until he graduates. And I can’t bear it. I really can’t.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I have no plan. Nowhere to go. No dorm to move into. No apartment with Micah. No best friend that I’m getting a place with.

I have money. My parents made sure of that. I know I’m lucky in that regard. Drew has to make his own money to help chip in for rent, to buy tea tree soap and deodorant. But what good does the money do me when I have nothing to spend it on but pills?

Everyone keeps telling me they’re proud of me. For what? Not getting high? Not killing myself?

Seeing what Mae’s accomplished just underscores how much I have utterly failed at life. We had the same parents, the same schooling, the same chances. I even had a leg up, since she didn’t even become a part of our family until she was three. But she never lets being adopted bring her down. Didn’t let Mom and Dad’s death ruin her life. And now she’s going to Annapolis, and she’s about to figure things out with Ben. And I am here in a big, empty house. Alone.