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Back Little Universes
Chapters (63)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. Part 1
  6. Mae
  7. Hannah
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. Part 2
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. Part 3
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. Epilogue
  59. Mental Health Resources
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  62. About the Author
  63. Newsletter Sign-up

An American? Yes, but only as long as there is something called America, which might not be that much longer, let’s be honest, or might be as long as ancient Greece, which would be a pretty good run, BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

“Dad.” He can’t hear me, but I whisper his name again anyway, and my cognitive defects are becoming more and more apparent, and I think maybe the wave has filled me with something dead, because I am maybe dead inside.

I miss them so much.

I sit down right where I am, in the center of Boston Common, and I’m not sure I can get back up any time soon.

I am floating and sitting at the same time. I am living a Zen koan, an unsolvable riddle, like what is the sound of one hand clapping, which I never understood because ONE HAND CAN’T CLAP. And now I am holding up my hand and hitting the air—DAMN THESE ZEN BASTARDS. The sound of one hand clapping is nothing. So does that mean everything is nothing? No thing is a thing.

“Help,” I whisper.

“Mae? What’s wrong?”

I look up. Nah’s standing over me, a worried frown on her face.

“Nothing.” I keep clapping my one hand. “Nothing. It’s NOTHING.”

“Bullshit.”

I stand up, a little off-balance, because I can feel Earth rotating now, and it’s too fast.

My sister is so happy about the letter in my pocket. Annapolis was her Christmas gift to me. I can’t tell her I’m empty. That the hole in my spaceship is so big, I might not make it back to Earth. So I just stare at her.

“Mae. Tell me what’s up. You’re freaking my shit out right now.”

And if you’re on a spaceship that might not make it back to Earth, and maybe you’re all alone in a Soyuz you don’t know how to fly, like Dr. Stone in Gravity, then are you REALLY alone? Because she saw a dead person and they helped her get home. And I can’t help but feel like Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me die up there. I don’t believe in Hannah’s Something Else. But if there’s no Something Else, then why did Yuri—

“Mae, you are freaking me out. What is wrong?” She presses a hand to my forehead. “You’re all sweaty. Should we go home, or—”

“When Yuri Gagarin came back from space, he said something weird,” I say.

“Which one is Yuri Gaga—whatever?” Nah asks.

“Yuri Gagarin. The first human to enter space. 1961. Cosmonaut.”

“So Russia beat us to space?”

“We got the moon. Hannah, that’s not the POINT.” I press the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. Earth is going too fast.

“Whoa. Okay. What did he say?”