BooksBarbecue
Back Little Universes Save as PDF
Chapters (63)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. Part 1
  6. Mae
  7. Hannah
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. Part 2
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. Part 3
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. Epilogue
  59. Mental Health Resources
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  62. About the Author
  63. Newsletter Sign-up

I’ve only been to Dharma Bums a few times, but River’s a regular at Castaways, too, so I’ve gotten to know her a bit these past few months. She hasn’t heard the whole Winters saga, but she knows about the wave, and a little about Nah.

“My sister got out of detox last week.”

“That’s heavy.”

“Yes.” I pull at my gloves. “I’m trying to help her, but she … she’s depressed. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not a neuroscientist. Nothing I do works. She broke up with her boyfriend. Both of them. If I could just figure out how to help her, how to fix this—”

“Then everything would be all right?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Well, not everything. But some things.”

She cocks her head to the side. “How are you, Mae?”

“Me? I’m fine. But Hannah—”

“Mae.” Her voice is soft. “How are you?”

I swallow. “I feel … like I’m on a spaceship with a hole in it.”

River nods as she runs her fingers through the ends of her scarf. “I think everyone feels that way, at one point or another. The First Noble Truth, and all.”

Life is suffering. These Buddhists don’t go for the happily ever after. I think that is why I like so many of them. Normal people don’t talk this way, but I have never been good around normal people. It’s nice not to talk about TV or celebrities or diets.

“I keep trying to make sense of everything,” I say. “But I can’t. All the ways I know don’t work. This guy in her life—he’s a jerk, but he said something that was right. That I don’t know my sister. And so I’ve been trying this past week—asking her questions. Just sitting with her. Trying to understand her. But it’s not working. Nothing makes her happy.”

“Ever heard of hungry ghosts?”

I shake my head. “Buddhist thing?”

“Buddhist thing.” The train stops, and River glances at the door. “You on for a little longer?”

I nod. “I’m meeting Ben at Castaways.”

“Okay, then.”

River shifts so she’s facing me better. The people around us have earbuds in or are reading books or tablets. Someone is talking loudly on their phone. Something about broken Christmas lights and a cat. All of us bundled in coats and scarves even though it’s stuffy in here, holding bags from holiday shopping or backpacks heavy with books for finals studying. The floor is wet with melted snow. This is a good place for a dharma bomb to go off.