Drew steps closer. His lips part. A puff of breath floats through them, toward me.

“The truth is that I want you, Hannah. More than anything I’ve wanted in my entire life.”

Some words are like diamonds. You can drape them all over you. Sparkle like an August night.

I step toward him, and my foot lands in an icy puddle. The cold reminds me: At the end of the day, diamonds are just rocks. And we’re the suckers who empty our pockets for them.

Micah wanted me, too, at first. I could feel it, the way he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Drew can’t even touch me—look at him, look at him not even wanting to touch me, like I’m contagious or dirty. Because maybe I am. Dirty.

I pull my coat tighter around me. Back away. “I know what it’s like to be with someone who wants me. This … doesn’t feel like that.”

“Because it isn’t like that,” Drew says, louder. “I’m not just trying to get down your pants, okay?”

“Well, obviously you’re not trying to do that.” Maybe I’m ugly now. The sadness, the pills. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to kiss me.

“Hannah, I…”

He stops. Looks at his feet. Canvas tennis shoes soaked through with snow. The storm caught us by surprise. Doesn’t everything?

I am so cold. Every part of me is frozen. Snow whips between us, and I back away a little more.

Drew’s thinking. Deciding. If I’m worth it. But we both know the answer.

I’m not.

“This was a mistake, Drew.”

He doesn’t look at me. “What?”

“Being here.”

“With me.”

As soon as this is over, I’m taking a pill. Fuck it. Fuck everyone. Fuck me most of all.

“Yeah,” I say. “With you.”

When I walk away, part of me hopes—thinks—he’ll run after me. Or call my name. But he doesn’t.

He lets me go.

Like a shell you pick up from the beach, admire for a moment, but then throw back into the water. You don’t see where it lands.

The ocean doesn’t whisper, Hannah. Hannah.

It doesn’t say anything at all.

The pill is in my mouth before I reach the end of the street.

If I pulled a card right now, I’d get the Devil: the card of addicts everywhere. The devil made me do it. My favorite Devil is in the Shadowscapes tarot, because it shows exactly what it feels like to be in prison. The Devil in that one is this beautiful but terrifying winged monster standing on top of a cave, juggling a heart in its hands. In the cave is a naked girl in chains, curled in on herself. I don’t see how she’ll ever get out.