And then, ‘You should try online dating. Swiping? What harm can it do?’

This is the only suggestion that is met with general agreement, and all I can see is a round table of nodding car dogs.

‘Yes, yes. A friend of a friend found their fiancé that way. I think it’s how it works these days.’

The nodding continues, and I even spot a thumbs-up.

‘How what works these days?’

Mia and Mark appear behind me. She looks so refreshed. I must ask her what moisturizer she uses.

The question forgotten, someone else chirps in for me. ‘Dating apps. Online dating. Bea is going to try them out.’

As soon as the words have been spoken, Mia’s eyes light up. She’s been trying to get me to date for a long time, telling me to put myself ‘out there’ more. I go out. I just don’t like what I see.

I open my mouth to protest. It was only a stupid, drunken … resolution. One that I don’t mean in real life.

But her face is so happy.

So instead I say nothing, and at some point I must have smiled and nodded back, because before I know it Mia has taken my phone and set me up with a profile that vastly exaggerates how spontaneous I am, and I have a date next Tuesday with someone who’s validated his character by providing his Uber rating and a ‘quote’ from his mum.

CHAPTER 3

It turns out that swiping can cause a lot of harm. Modern dating is causing me a lot of harm. Mainly to my already precarious confidence, but also to my bank balance, my tolerance for terrible chat-up lines, and the early onset of RSI in my right thumb. Left. Left. Left. Oh! Maybe! Let’s dig deeper. Oh no, is that real? Is that even the same guy? Left. Guy with a dog! RIGHT. Left. Left. Left.

Who knew that trying to date should come with a health warning?

Despite the fact I eventually set myself up with a new, slightly more accurate (but still optimistic) profile on a more feminist-friendly version of the Flame of Shame, the results still haven’t been great. In either quality or quantity.

Quality-wise, most of the men I’ve been on dates with baffle me. How have they not been arrested? How do they have jobs? Were they even raised by humans? One man hit on our waitress whilst we were still on the date. Another kept throwing things, almost like a kind of macho test, a test that he failed many times. And too many potentials sent unsolicited dick pics; one even sent a slow-motion video.

My mum bought me this phone. I can’t be watching that on a phone my mum bought me.

Quantity-wise, I’ve not exactly been struggling to find a date, but I’ve quickly learnt that finding a date and actually going on the date are two different things. The number of times a date (the person, not the event) would mysteriously disappear on the day is shocking. Turns out a lot of men get ill/run out of battery/find better plans at short notice. Mia says it’s a consequence of the casual nature of online dating. But I’ve always thought of myself as being witty when I make an effort, and I can’t help wondering if my messaging skills aren’t up for the challenge.