What is it with Mia and Tilly? They both think time will make these men more appealing. I think spending more time with them will have precisely the opposite effect.

‘Um, no. We’re just very different people.’ Tilly looks crestfallen. ‘Part of me wonders if it’s the online thing. Maybe I would have a better success rate if I date people that I meet in real life. Like at the supermarket. If we both reach for rotisserie chicken, at least we know we have that one thing in common.’

‘What about your friends?’

I scoff. ‘Oh God no, I don’t date friends.’

Tilly slants her head. ‘I meant more, do your friends know anyone they could hook you up with, but that’s quite a strong reaction.’ She raises an eyebrow. ‘Spill it. Do you fancy one of your friends?’

My head shakes even faster now. ‘No no no, it’s not that.’

‘Well, what is it then?’

I don’t like talking about Sam.

‘It’s such a pathetic story.’

‘Let me be the judge of that.’

I avoid eye contact, and am glad for the moment’s reprieve when someone comes over to take our order, but they leave more quickly than I would have liked.

‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’

Now I feel like I’m making it into a really big deal. I sigh and reposition myself slightly.

‘It’s not that big of a deal –’ I haven’t even told Mia this – ‘but when I was younger, we’re talking when I was in my last years of school, my best friend Sam and I started dating. And I know I was young and I had nothing to compare it to, but I thought we were going to get married. I did all the stupid things. I practised my married signature, I had photos of us all over the inside of my closet. My parents loved him. And I loved him. I loved dating my best friend. It felt so right.’

‘So what went wrong?’

‘He stopped feeling the same.’ I shrug.

This isn’t quite the whole truth. What actually happened was that my dad died, and life became really shit. And eventually Sam stopped coming round so much. He said I’d changed. He said I wasn’t happy any more and he didn’t want to be around someone who was so sad all the time. He wanted to go back to being just friends. Of course we didn’t, so I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my dad all at the same time.

I can’t entirely blame Sam for the lack of emotional support he offered, we were young. But it stung quite badly when two weeks later he started going out with Meghan Smalls, a girl with (ironically) massive boobs and an even bigger smile.

So, since then, unable to change the size of my boobs, I instead decided to pretend to be happier, and to never, ever date a friend in the hopes that when the relationship inevitably ended, I wouldn’t be so totally devastated. I can handle losing a boyfriend. I don’t know if I can handle losing another best friend.