His face is red and the squirming is back.

‘Are you OK?’

‘Hold on a sec,’ he says and abruptly leaves the table. I finish my meal in silence.

After an uncomfortable amount of time, Toby emerges, once again with his appendage in the can, clothes back on the floor. This time he’s even forgone the dressing gown.

‘I’m really sorry about this, but the burning came back and I had to touch him again to get him back in the can, but I must still have some remnants of chilli left on my hands so it’s got even worse.’

I have no words.

‘I don’t know what else to do and to be honest, mate, I am worried about my guy.’ His face is full of concern, and I do actually feel quite sorry for the guy. Both guys. ‘Can you help me down to the hospital?’

You have got to be shitting me, mate.

And yet, I find myself helping to conceal his penis and following Google step by painfully embarrassing step to the nearest hospital, because no taxi would take us.

CHAPTER 11

Sunday can’t come soon enough. And when it does eventually reach us, I indulge in what the internet tells me I should be doing: I go to yoga and then meet up with Tilly at our favourite brunch spot. I’m feeling a tad emotionally delicate, so I kept my yoga session to myself. I can’t quite handle feeling like a very ill, very old sloth, next to the very flexible Tilly.

We lucked out and got shown to my favourite booth. I imagine Tilly’s smile had something to do with it.

She squeals at me. ‘I’m so happy that this is our second in-person meet-up in a month!’

I shuffle along the bench. ‘Well, if you stopped being so busy and travelling all the time, we could see each other more.’

‘Actually, I have a plan that will mean exactly that.’ She arranges her napkin on her lap. ‘But before we get on to me, talk to me about you. I felt so bad – after yoga, I realized I did all the talking and didn’t ask one question about what you were up to.’ She reaches towards me from across the table. ‘What’s happening? Job? Romance? Life? How’s your mum?’

I half reach back, but it isn’t an action that comes naturally to me, so I avoid actually holding her hand. If that is indeed what she wants? ‘There’s not much to report.’ I pull back an inch. ‘Mum is really good, job is frustrating but that’s normal, the cards are bumbling along.’ I make a face and nod slightly. ‘I have actually been on a couple of dates recently –’ Tilly sits straighter as soon as I say this – ‘and I did have some hope for one of the guys, but the second date did not go well.’

‘You didn’t like him? Is it worth trying again? Giving it a bit more time?’