‘Sure.’

We leave and Mum calls after us, ‘Let me know if you need any cookies. I have plenty.’ Strange, considering she previously told me they were reserved for tomorrow’s afternoon tea.

‘Thanks, Mum.’ This might be the first time I’ve ever felt too sick for baked goods.

CHAPTER 46

We head for the Cave, a tiny cosy room that’s mainly used for storage. But it’s also the only room that isn’t full of my family and isn’t a bedroom. The light takes a while to warm up and Peter still isn’t meeting my eyes. This might be the longest we’ve stood in silence for.

I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever felt so nervous. ‘Butterflies’ is a terrible term for what I’m experiencing. Butterflies conjure up images of sunshine and flowers. What I’m feeling is more like rough seas and battering winds.

I’m not sure I trust myself to deliver the two-point speech. My words will definitely get mixed up if I start talking now. Silence it is.

Finally he looks up, and he does that silly little smile of his.

‘Peter, I need to tell you something.’

Fuck. The words came out and I wasn’t really wanting them to, but I needed to do something.

And I should keep speaking. Peter is looking at me. Waiting for me.

But now, of course, my words aren’t coming.

What is wrong with me? When I want to talk I can’t, but when I don’t want to talk I do.

I take a deep breath.

‘I know you’re going to Australia, and I don’t want you not to go, but I don’t want you to go without me telling you something. I can’t leave anything unsaid, and I don’t want you to leave with this weird silence between us.’

He makes a noise and I stop him from talking with the universal hand gesture that says ‘I’m not done’.

‘I have two key points to tell you.’ But now I can’t remember them. I just know I had them. I’ve started pacing back and forth like I’m trying to get my daily step count in. ‘I went to your house earlier this evening. Well, not your house, your parents’ house.’ Why is the ownership of the house so important? This isn’t one of my points. ‘In case your mum mentions it.’

‘I went to Tilly’s wedding.’

I stop and turn to face him.

‘You went to Tilly’s wedding? Why?’

‘To speak to you.’ He’s so still that I start pacing again. ‘Why did you go to my house?’

Yes, Bea, why? Why did you go to his house? Tell him. Just tell him. And for goodness’ sake, stop sweating.

I hang my head. ‘Ugh, I wish I’d kept the dress on.’ The dress would have given me confidence.

‘What?’

‘Never mind.’

Poor Peter is looking so confused.

‘Peter, I’m so sorry. The last time I saw you, well, in truth it wasn’t the last last time I saw you, but when I came over to your flat after Tilly’s hen party, I shouldn’t have. I acted like a total fool and guilted you into having sex with me. I’m so sorry. That is not at all how I wanted sex between us to go down. It’s not how I wanted anything between us to go down.’