I feel the cool air con as I walk through the doors, but this time it is accompanied by the gorgeous smell of cocoa butter. Now I really do feel as if I’m on holiday. I want slathering in it, from head to toe.

But as I talk to the spa employee sitting behind the front desk, I feel my stress taking hold of me even tighter.

‘You only do couples’ massages?’ I reply in disbelief.

‘This is a romance resort,’ the girl behind the desk informs me. She is a young Italian girl, in a bright pink uniform. Her eyebrows are almost as severe as her fake tan – imagine, being orange with fake tan when you live in such a warm, sunny country.

‘So you only offer massages for two people?’

‘Well, yes,’ she replies. ‘Technically.’

‘What if only one person wants a massage?’ I ask.

‘They are couples’ massages,’ she tells me again. ‘People don’t come to Valentine Island to do things without their partner. No one has ever asked before…’

I don’t think this poor girl knows what to say.

‘So, I can’t just have both people massage me at once?’ I ask.

‘Are you sure you’d rather not come back with your partner?’ she asks. ‘Most partners are happy to accompany their loved ones.’

My partner couldn’t even be faithful to me – that’s pretty much rule one in the couples’ handbook. Amazing, really, that there are people out there willing to do things they don’t want to do, just to make their significant others happy. I could never get Daniel to do anything he didn’t want to do.

I’m sure that, if I pushed for it, they wouldn’t refuse me a massage, but it’s the fact that she said no one comes here alone, people’s partners love to come with them… I feel embarrassed, as if they’re probably thinking my partner doesn’t want to be here with me. Technically he doesn’t and that realisation washes waves of sadness, anger and embarrassment over me. I give up and double back to a tourist information board I saw earlier. I might not be able to get a massage, but I’m sure there are plenty of things I can do.

Looking over the board, I realise that perhaps there aren’t plenty of things for me to do. It really does seem to be the case that every single thing to do here is designed with couples in mind. Everything here involves two people, from the sports to the relaxation events. Even the yoga sessions show poses that involve couples – what am I going to do, turn up on my own and just pointlessly lie back with my legs in the air? That sounds like my sex life. No, thank you.

I hear the ringing of a bicycle bell, so I quickly move out of the way. Two men cycle past me on a tandem bike.

‘Buongiorno,’ one of them calls to me.

Bloody hell, even the bicycles are built for two.