Chapters (57)
- Cover
- Doctor Aphra
- DRAMATIS PERSONAE
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- ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
But here’s the truth: It was in that moment, when she…when you were looking at me so…openly, that I knew I had to leave. Because I wanted to say yes so badly.
Saying yes would have tied me to someone who made me weak.
And I could not be weak.
Like I said…this wasn’t the first time I disappointed you, Sana Starros, and it most certainly wouldn’t be the last. But that was the moment that rose up in my memory when I saw you again now…all that hurt flashing under the anger in your beautiful brown eyes…I knew.
I’d made you feel…well, the way I’d felt when Vader tried to kill me.
Disposable. Worthless. A bug that could be stamped out without a second thought.
When I left…I should have at least told you what I was trying to do.
That I’d wanted to keep both of us safe. And that I thought…no, I knew…that me leaving was the only way to do that.
Aphra’s voice catches, and she struggles to hold back sobs.
APHRA (narration):
So. Let me try this again. The right way. Maybe the only time Chelli Lona Aphra has ever tried to do something the right way in all of her miserable life.
Recording: Encrypt this spot so I can’t go back and delete it later.
Sana: I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way.
And I…I made this recording for you so maybe, just maybe…you would understand why I did what I did.
I never…felt nothing for you. That would be impossible.
I…I just…
I’m sorry.
Sana, please listen to me…if you hear nothing else on this recording, please hear that.
Please… please…
Aphra breaks off, unable to continue—crying herself to sleep.
SCENE 43
INT. APHRA’S CELL. SUNSPOT PRISON. MORNING.
APHRA (narration):
Ughhhh. So yeah. I basically cried myself to sleep in this tiny sun-soaked cell, this tiny piece of hell. How humiliating. Recording: Mark the previous sequence so I can decrypt it later. I know I made it extra hard to break, but…it’s me. I’ll figure it out. I break everything.
Now…back to pretending like I’m recording this for some generic, faceless person. I think you’d probably prefer that anyway, Sana.
When I awoke the next morning in my cell, I was pleased to find that I felt refreshed. Any traces of the previous night’s angst-fest had been banished to the back of my mind. The cellar of my mind. The dungeon.
Sure, I was currently trapped in a horrifically hot prison and making sad faces over my ex, who most definitely wanted to kill me, but…I always find a way out. It’s what I do.
If there’s no door, I make one.
My mother, Amidala…their weakness came from their so-called goodness.