Chapters (57)
- Cover
- Doctor Aphra
- DRAMATIS PERSONAE
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- ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Oh, Aphra. No. Don’t tell me. It’s some shady smuggler type who’s offered to send you on a death expedition to dig up some incredibly valuable artifacts and will then pay you a truly disgusting amount of credits to do something terrible and probably illegal with them.
A beat of silence as Aphra looks away.
SANA STARROS:
Aphra?
APHRA:
You said not to tell you!
SANA STARROS:
Look. You’re brilliant, you can do anything—why do you have to do things this way?
APHRA:
I just…I don’t know.
SANA STARROS:
Tell you what. What if you and I do some research, file the paperwork, and go on the Sarjenn expedition ourselves? Aboveboard adventuring.
Together.
APHRA:
I…
SANA STARROS:
Chelli. Please. I…I just want you to be safe. Sometimes I feel like I’m always at the bottom of that climbing wall, staring up at you.
Wondering when you’re going to fall.
APHRA:
But you were there to catch me.
SANA STARROS:
So let me catch you now.
APHRA (narration):
I stared into those beautiful brown eyes. It was like the day when our eyes first met, right after I’d tried to sneak into class. Only this time, she wasn’t looking at me like I was out of my mind. No, she was so…
open. She was begging me with that gaze.
She felt safe with me.
And I had never wanted anything more…than to say yes.
So I did.
APHRA:
Okay.
SANA STARROS:
Really?
APHRA:
Do I say things I don’t mean? Yes.
SANA STARROS:
Oh, Chelli…
APHRA (narration):
Yeah, so. As you’ve probably figured out by now…I always say things I don’t mean. I wish I could say, in this one particular instance, that I at least meant it in the moment.
But I was lying through my teeth.
I left the next day. No, it wasn’t the first or the last time I lied to her…
disappointed her…devastated her. There was plenty more of that to come. But it was one of the times I remember desperately wishing things could be different. That I could be different.
I skipped graduation—still got my doctorate, just didn’t go to the ceremony. I didn’t say goodbye, didn’t even leave a note. I took that shady—but very wealthy—employer up on his offer. I went to Sarjenn Prime. It was cold—and this was another moment I almost died, because I almost froze myself into an early grave. But I did end up getting a fabulous coat.
At the time, I told myself it was all because the job was such an incredible challenge, such an adventure—and I wouldn’t have to split the take.