‘It’s not funny,’ I whine. ‘My fingers have turned green and stink of farts! Smell them.’

‘Get them away from me!’ Jake scrunches his nose.

‘But it went on for ever. That’s why I’m so tired. I nearly fell asleep all the way through geography and science.’

‘I thought you were just daydreaming as usual,’ Jake says, munching on his sandwich. ‘But why did you do those things anyway?’

‘Because they were on his list.’

‘What list?’

I sigh. ‘The ten things he wants to teach me. And one of them is chess!’

‘Chess?’ Jake chokes on his sandwich. ‘Chess! Only swots play that.’

‘I know – that’s what I said.’

‘Oi, I heard that,’ Rebecca says, glancing over her shoulder. ‘You know I play.’

‘My point exactly,’ Jake says and grins.

Rebecca glowers at him. I think of saying I didn’t mean her, but she’s already turned back to her conversation.

‘So.’ Jake leans across the table. ‘Basically he’s getting you to do all the housework now your gran’s dead.’

‘Well, I wouldn’t say—’

‘Yeah, that sucks,’ Jake cuts in. ‘I’d come and help if he wasn’t so scary.’

‘He’s not scary . . .’ I say. ‘Is he?’

Jake holds his hand out and waves it like a balancing scale. ‘Well . . . Yeah, a little bit. My dad thinks he’s . . .’

‘He’s what?’

Jake shrugs.

‘What does he think he is?’

‘Oh, nothing. He just thinks he’s weird because of his curtains and he never speaks to anyone when he goes out . . . But my mum said your gran was nice!’ Jake says brightly, like he realizes he’s upset me. ‘Yeah. She really liked your gran.’

‘I know.’ I rest my head on my arms. Everyone liked my gran. People stopped and talked to my gran. It took her all morning to get to the shops and back because she talked so much. Granddad used to say she was gone so long the bread had turned stale. He’d pretend he was mad with her, but then he’d turn the TV over for her to watch The Chase, then I’d put the kettle on for tea. My granddad can be nice too. I wish Jake hadn’t said anything about him. It’s okay for me to think he’s grumpy and it’s boring staying with him, but it hurts when your best friend says it. You don’t say things that might hurt your friends, like I’ve never told Jake that my mum saw his dad kissing another woman behind the little Tesco last Christmas. I wasn’t supposed to hear that, but it’s not my fault Mum talks so loudly on the phone.

‘Felix! Woo-woo!’ Jake spins his hands around my head like a police siren is going off. ‘Come back to Planet Earth!’

I shake myself awake.

‘Blimey, Felix, you really are whacked.’