How to clean the patio? How to mow the lawn? What sort of list is this?

I walk over to the window. But even with more light it still doesn’t make sense.

Shred paper; read a book without losing your temper?

‘Ah, I see you have found it.’

I jump as Granddad walks in.

‘My list.’ He puts his cup of tea down on the table.

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘But what is it? It’s just chores!’

‘I’m thinking it’s not.’

‘It is, Granddad – clean the patio, mow the lawn, clean mood from the curtains.’

‘Mould,’ says Granddad.

‘I don’t care what it is,’ I say, ‘it’s still cleaning.’

‘No. No,’ says Granddad. ‘It is a list of ten things I’d like to teach you.’

‘But why?’

‘Because it would be good for you. You think about it while I am going to the toilet and check my levels.’ He turns away from me and walks out into the hall. Granddad goes to the toilet loads and when he does he checks his levels. If he doesn’t keep his sugar level up, he gets all shaky and sometimes even grumpier.

I look at the list – how to clean brass, how to cut a straight line on the lawn, how to play chess, how to . . . how to . . . This isn’t a list of ten things to teach Felix. It’s a list of the ten most boring things in the world.

There must be some mistake. I turn the paper over to see if there is anything more exciting on the back, but it’s blank.

I walk out into the hall and shout up the stairs, ‘Granddad, are you sure you’ve given me the right list?’

I hear a thud on the ceiling. He said he was going to the toilet, but this noise came from his bedroom. I listen for another thud or the sound of his footsteps.

Nothing.

‘Granddad,’ I shout. ‘Are you okay?’ I turn my head and listen, but all I can hear is the pendulum knocking inside the grandfather clock.

‘Granddad?’ I put my foot on the first stair.

‘Ah! I see you cannot wait.’

I look up. Granddad’s looking at me sternly with a box in his hand.

‘What is it?’ I ask.

‘It is not my best set,’ he says, ‘but it is a start.’

‘What? No, Granddad. Not chess!’

‘But you used to play ludo with your grandma.’

‘I know, Granddad, but chess! Only swots play chess, and it takes longer than Monopoly!’

‘But it is a game of craft,’ he says.

‘No, it’s the most boring game in the world. Can’t you just play on your own and I’ll go and get my PS4?’

‘No,’ says Granddad. ‘That’s all children do all day – play computer games. Chess is a real game where you’re not staring at a TV all the time.’

‘Well, I’m still not playing.’