No matter how hard I hit the ground, though, no fall seemed to distract me from the ache in my chest or the festering in my stomach. It wasn’t enough. Skateboarding and my morning ritual had been my saving grace since my parents died. They’d shifted the garbage in my guts to my hand, to the flesh on my legs, hips, arms. They’d helped me prove I wasn’t going soft. That I could be hard. Withstand anything bubbling up inside of me and anything coming at me from the outside.

If this stopped working, how would I cope?

Breathe my way through it?

Bullshit. That worked for car rides. Not this.

After Priam and Vicki left the house in the morning, I skipped school entirely, in no way capable of facing other people or sitting in a classroom all day. I didn’t really know where to go or what to do instead, though. I tried skating again, but no piece of concrete seemed hard enough right now. I fell on my knees so many times they throbbed, and I knew they’d be black and blue tomorrow, but that ache still pulsed in my chest. I forced my body into tricks I knew I couldn’t do and came crashing to the ground, reactivating old bruises and generating new ones. The ache just continued into my throat. When I bit hard on my fist to stifle the sound trying to escape, a muffled sob seeped out anyway.

Exhausted and feeling helpless to stop everything rising up inside of me, I ended up just sitting in the park, staring blankly at a little kid throwing sand around in the sandbox, their mom watching nearby with a smile on her face.

Somehow, seeing that hurt more than anything.

Chapter Seven

Around four, I was spread out across a picnic table and zoning out to music. I think I was so drained that I’d gone into some kind of stasis. Like rock.

My phone rang. It was Fee. The only person I thought might not annoy me right now. But I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I let it ring.

My phone pinged with a message thirty seconds later.

Two words: roller derby. More words: tough-ass folks on skates. What else were you doing tonight?

True. I sure as hell didn’t want to go home and see Priam or Vicki. And skateboarding wasn’t doing its usual job. Plus, the words “tough-ass” practically glowed. I needed a distraction. Maybe this was it. I called Fee back.

“Hey,” I said. I hadn’t spoken or eaten all day, and somehow my mouth felt both sticky and dry.

“Whatareyoudoingtonight?” they blurted, all in one breath.

“Whoa—not much. What’s this roller derby thing?” I’d only vaguely heard about it before.