After a bout, we were supposed to stick around and help take down the boards, benches, etc., but I doubted anyone would mind if I just got out of their way. If I were them, I sure as hell wouldn’t want me around.

I checked my phone as I was leaving and saw that Fee had texted me.

Hey you. I’m sorry I can’t stay—Cai must’ve eaten something shady. She feels like crap. No pun intended. :/ Tough bout, kid. Try not to get in your head about it. I’m around if you need me. Drop of a hat.

They were the second person to tell me not to get in my head. What did that even mean, anyway? Aren’t we always in our heads, whether we like it or not? I’d love to get out of my head, and I was going to try as soon as I got out of here.

Leaving the locker room, I saw that most of the crowd had dispersed, but a few folks were still milling around in the Crash Zone. One of them was Shanti. When I came out, she looked over. We made eye contact. I looked away first. Again. But not before I could see that she was still talking to messy-haircut girl, which just added another layer of shit to an ever-growing pile.

Outside, the air was biting cold. I slumped over to the bus stand a couple of blocks away and threw my gear bag against the sidewalk. It felt like every molecule in my body was banging against one another, trying to get some relief. Without a second thought, I held the bus signpost with my right hand and slammed my left hand against it. Once, twice, three times—

A pair of hands caught mine. “Daya, stop!”

I tried to keep going, but Shanti’s hands were strong. Stronger than mine.

“You don’t need to do this,” she said.

But I do. The tears and rot were bubbling up.

“We can talk.”

I can’t.

“Let me be here for you.”

This last attempt struck a special chord. “Here? You sure? Don’t you have someone back at the rink who’s waiting for you?” I was in her face now. Practically spitting into it.

She retreated a few inches. “I wasn’t—that’s not—”

The rot in my chest escaped, shaped as hateful laughter. “Jesus. Why bother?” I wasn’t sure if I was talking to her or to myself. “How are you not getting the message, Shanti? I’m not your problem. You have enough problems of your own. Go deal with them instead of being such a pain in my ass.”

I turned from her, swept up my bag, and stalked away. The walk was miles, but I’d do anything right now to get away from here.

Chapter Thirty-Four