“With anything. With feeling connected. With being happy.”

Christ. Why does everything have to come back to my damn feelings? I shrugged again and frowned.

“Daya, don’t retreat. You just seem a bit more open today, and I’m wondering if it has to do with roller derby, is all. It’s okay to be excited about something and want to share that excitement.”

I continued scratching at the armrest. Except that sharing makes things real. Except that anything good can disappear in a second.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Our first bout wasn’t for another couple of weeks, but we had a few practices before that. Sage asked me if I wanted to get together and do some extra practice with her, Grace, and Potts, and even though it made sense to work on our skills together—we’d be in the same boat as rookies when it came to game time, after all—the idea of exposing myself to Grace’s nosy questions, Sage’s overzealous high fives, and Potts’s hectic energy still sent anxiety through me.

I knew I needed to practice my skills both on the track and off it. To figure out how to maneuver around all these teammates and relationships. I’d started to enjoy myself at the roller disco, to feel something like contentment with Shanti—for a few moments at least. That didn’t mean it’d been easy or that I’d suddenly fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need to bruise anymore.

I said yes to Sage, telling myself, Anything to get on that track. Anything to prove I can handle myself out there. I reasoned that if bruising on the track helped keep my shit off the track under control, I might actually be able to navigate the social stuff I wasn’t so great at. Maybe even enjoy it.

The four of us met up on non-practice days at a tennis court near Sage’s house and worked at everything we could—skating, stopping, jumping, bracing, blocking, and more.

Sage was an incredible skater—so quick and light on her feet. Potts was a beast—completely undisciplined but somehow able to make their haphazard style work. Grace had pretty much memorized every basic roller derby play and was able to break them down into manageable parts for those of us with less organized brains (i.e., Potts). I assumed I was the brute strength in the bunch until Grace asked me to show her how to brace like I had at the tryouts. I guess Fee hadn’t been too far off about me having other assets.

At the end of our first team practice, Dominique had gathered everyone together and handed out rule books. “Study up, folks… School’s in sesh and you need to learn this shit by next week. We’ll know if you haven’t done your homework.”