And despite my growing feelings for Shanti, I guess some part of me still felt like I needed roller derby—just in case. I wasn’t under some delusion that my need to bruise myself had suddenly disappeared—the threatening ache inside me certainly hadn’t. Having Kat on my side was key to being a part of this team and holding that ache down.

All these thoughts made me instantly act like a weirdo. Instead of saying hi to Shanti like a normal person, I beelined it to the other side of the track and geared up there without making eye contact with anyone.

But eventually, Shanti came over and stood by my little stretch of track. “Hey, Daya.”

Okay. Be normal, Daya. I skated toward her. “Hey.” I wiped the beginning beads of sweat from my forehead.

She sidled up to me and showed me her sketchbook. “Look.” A felt-pen drawing of what looked like me ripping around the track filled the page, although she hadn’t yet finished my left leg. Even legless, though, I looked fucking awesome. That fact and standing close to Shanti like this with her hand on my hip sent a little twinge through my chest.

“You drew this? It’s amazing. What’s it for?”

“We need flyers to promote our bouts, and I’ve been the one creating them for the past couple of seasons. I was thinking maybe we could use something like this for our next flyer.”

I involuntarily glanced toward Kat. “Think that’s a good idea?”

Shanti didn’t skip a beat. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Just—you know.” I spoke carefully. “I’m new and stuff. Shouldn’t you use someone everyone knows?”

“What better way to introduce rookies?” She looked at me like she really thought this was a good idea. She didn’t seem bothered by the impending disaster of Kat’s response to Shanti’s hand on my hip. She must have seen the question-slash-worry on my face, though, because she removed her hand and added, “I won’t use it if you don’t want me to.”

She looked a little disappointed, which hurt my heart a bit. “Maybe we can save it for later, like when I actually learn to look like that on the track?” I tried a smile.

Her disappointment fell away and she leaned in for a kiss, which I was not expecting and which automatically made me bend backward away from her and glance at Kat again. As soon as I did it, I knew it was a bad move, especially when hurt passed through Shanti’s eyes.

“Sorry,” I blurted. “I just wasn’t sure we should… here… you know. Yet.” Was that even a complete sentence? “But I want to. I really, really want to. Just. You know.” I can’t risk losing this team.