“You seem proud of that. Are you one of those people who thinks premarital virginity is everything? Some girls I know told me their lives were ruined when they lost their virginity, their ‘innocence.’ Innocence is a funny idea to attach to the concept of virginity. How does that work exactly? What, when a hymen breaks, so does her ‘innocence?’ When a woman gets raped, people act like she becomes some sort of scarlet-letter-carrying sinner, as if she deserves to die. If something like that happens to me I’m not gonna kill myself to make other people more comfortable.10 I’m going to hunt down the rapist, and get him punished through due process. It’s not the woman’s fault that someone sexually assaulted her. Rape isn’t, and shouldn’t be, only talked about in a hushed tone. This isn’t the same thing, but still, I see a similar pattern even when it comes to lovers. Why is it that it’s okay to talk about cuddling and kissing, but once sex is involved everybody has to act secretive? Do I have to act coy, act like I’m a virgin, until I get married? Do you have to? I don’t know. As long as one can take responsibility for one’s actions, why should anyone … I just don’t know. Lately I feel like I’m in danger wherever I go, like I’m walking through landmines. Did you notice the men loitering by the hospital earlier? I felt like they were looking at me. Sungyun is part of a gang, you know. Rape isn’t just something that happens to women you don’t know. Something could happen to me. Innocence, virginity … I just want to get rid of it on my own terms. By my choice. I don’t want someone to ‘take it.’”

I realize I’ve been rambling, like the school principal on his retirement day. I burn with self-loathing. I suppose we learn from what we hate.

“Yeoul, you don’t sound like yourself. What got you so excited? Your voice got louder, and you are so eloquent when you are angry. I haven’t seen this side of you. It’s almost chilling.”

“This is what I’ve been thinking all day, and everyday while I was at the hospital.”

“Forget about Sungyun and what happened that night. Everything is going to be okay. I will protect you. Forget about it, and if you can forgive him, even better. Remember that your friend is pregnant with his child, and he might end up marrying her. You have to be considerate of your friend’s life, right? Are you crying?”

When Jihyun pats my shoulders, I break down. It hurts. I’m so fucking hurt. The tears won’t stop. This is the first time I bawled like this since Jimin died. The throw pillow I’m holding in my arms gets soaked.