My stepbrother, Hyunwoo. It’s weird to think to him in the role of brother. Is that who he was to me? Brother? Today I keep catching myself thinking about him. I find myself thinking about him whenever I decide that I, in fact, want to live. Or when I’m tasting something delicious and want to share it with him, or when I decide to leave where I am for somewhere else. No, I’ll be honest. I don’t know if there is a pattern to my thoughts. He keeps popping up in my mind regardless of time and space and now, with Jimin gone, they take turns appearing. I feel responsible for their deaths. I am a killer. I murdered the two people I loved most last year alone. So I sing to myself:

Hey Yeoul, don’t you dare dream

You have no right to enjoy your life.

No way, no way, no way, oh.

Plastic Fish

Plastic Fish

The road before us forks. We pause, deciding which way to take. The path on the left is lined with flowering trees, the trees sprinkled with fuzzy magnolia flower buds and red camellias. On the right leads to the ever-widening sea. One of us makes an unusual suggestion of splitting up to explore both ways, and we learn that both ways are part of the same loop that lead back to the same spot. We start walking toward the sea. A few people are jogging. A middle-aged man in a form-fitting yellow jumpsuit with a black stripe down the side stares at us as he jogs by.

“Does he think he’s Bruce Lee or something?What kind of outfit’s that? Why is he staring at us?” Eunyong grumbles. My right leg limps, Sol’s left leg limps, Eunyong’s belly balloons under her chocolate-colored shirt (which reminds me of Nana’s fur), and a man in a clean suits walks beside us. We add up to a strange assembly. No wonder the man stared. My head feels heavy. I want a cigarette.

“Keep going. I’ll catch up after getting myself a pack of cigarettes.”

As I turn around, Jihyun shakes his hand to stop me. “I think I saw a convenience store next to the ticketing office.That shop is too far back. You shouldn’t walk that far. Can’t you hold off? Smoking is bad for you anyway.”

“No, I can’t hold off. I gotta have one.”

“Okay then. I’ll go get it for you.”

Watching Jihyun running back to the shop, Sol speaks with a sneer. “Even though he pretends to negotiate with you, he always ends up doing what you want.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Anyway. How does it feel to come back from neardeath?” Sol changes the tune.

“I’m feeling tired,” I admit.

Sol points. “Let’s sit there for now.”