The café owner huffed and puffed and demanded answers from us. It seemed like she wanted to waterboard us like secret service interrogators do to student protestors, until we gave her the answer she wanted. I’m more surprised that Eunyong kept this from me. I thought Eunyong just had a crush on Sungyun. I was going to let her know about what Hyunmi and I saw at the café that night when we caught him having sex. I didn’t want to break her heart, so I put it off, but here we are. My stepmother used to yell at me—You are so oblivious! Perhaps she was right.

The café owner pulls Eunyong’s arm to lead her out the door. “You are a mess, Sungyun won’t be around for a while, so Eunyong will be busy taking care of the café. We won’t be coming back. I guess I need to find another part-time girl. What a mess.” Eunyong briefly turns to look at me, and her eyes are filled with tears.

I want to chuck the fruit basket the café owner brought right into the garbage can, but I can’t move. I feel as stiff as a preserved frog floating in formaldehyde. And this smell. Can my own nose shrivel from the stench of my own body? That bastard. I hope my fury, my humiliation, my enmity against him won’t deteriorate. I need them. The diaper someone put on me is soaked in urine. I might have shit a little too. I can’t even clean myself. If that monster showed up with a knife right now, I wouldn’t be able to fight back at all. He would be able to destroy me, to stab me. Considering what he’s like, I could see him stabbing me hundreds of times. Would that be for the better? Which hole did he crawl into, where is he hiding?

Übermensch

Übermensch

The sun is setting between the birch trees. It’s beautiful, I mumble without thinking. I wonder if I am inadvertently following the path of destiny set by some karmic fate. With a crutch under my arm I pace by the window. Considering the view of the birch forest, I guess I’m at the hospital that’s on the top of the hill? I’m learning how to use the wheelchair, and the bandages are off, but for the last five days I haven’t been able to move at all. I must have been drugged because I slept most of the time. But even when I was unconscious the voices were pestering me.

I asked the nurse to look out for me whenever unidentified men enter the hospital. I specified Jihyun to be the only man allowed into the room. I hope I won’t have to use the crutch for self-defense.