I knew the drill so sat back in the reclining chair and closed my eyes. Simon began to talk me down, ‘… and the relaxing power moves up to knees, up to thighs, hips, every cell and atom, into fingers of both hands, relaxing, moves up to forearms, and upper arm, fingers hands forearms so relaxed, imagine a warmth …’ I surrendered to his voice and the words and felt myself letting go and sinking back into the chair with no resistance. ‘… all tension is gone, going down down, three, deeper, down down, four, deeper deeper down down, down, five, deeper deeper down, six, deeper, down down, seven, down deeper deeper eight, deeper, deeper, down down, down. Nine. Now relaxed and at ease, imagining the most peaceful situation that you can, total peace. And ten. Now I want you to go back to the time when you first began to believe that love can be painful.’

I consciously thought of the times I had felt abandoned and sad and, in my head, I began to feel as if I was watching a film, images from my life on an inner screen: leaving Joe, him turned away on the sofa; Michael leaving for his travels; before that, Marcia heading off on her gap year; my parents leaving, standing at the train station, waving them off and returning to an empty house; later standing in Marcia’s room, looking at the mattress, stripped of bed linen. Although the images made me feel deeply sad, I decided that this time I would face the shadows, not fear them or deny them. They were a part of me as much as the good times.

‘Where are you, Bea?’ asked Simon.

‘Just thinking about people leaving, watching people go. My parents, friends …’

‘I want you to go further back,’ he said, and I listened and followed his voice as he took me further down steps, in a lift, more stairs, ‘down, down.’

I felt so heavy, my eyelids heavy, everything heavy. ‘… to a time when you knew true love, your soulmate, long long ago …’