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Chapters (77)
  1. Landing Page
  2. A TERRIBLE KINDNESS
  3. Dedication
  4. Contents
  5. ABERFAN
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. CAMBRIDGE CHOIR
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. FAMILY BUSINESS
  38. 31
  39. 32
  40. 33
  41. 34
  42. 35
  43. 36
  44. 37
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. MIDNIGHT CHOIR
  58. 50
  59. 51
  60. 52
  61. 53
  62. 54
  63. 55
  64. 56
  65. 57
  66. 58
  67. ABERFAN
  68. 59
  69. 60
  70. 61
  71. 62
  72. 63
  73. 64
  74. 65
  75. Acknowledgements
  76. About the Author
  77. Copyright

‘Nothing.’ He speeds up to try and shake it off.

‘I understand,’ she says evenly. ‘This is where everything went belly up. I understand.’

He remains silent, noticing the Senate House, with its chalky glow. Looking down at the pavement, his feet move relentlessly forward and he concentrates on Gloria’s hand tight round his.

‘I just want to enjoy the singing. And be proud of you.’

For a brief second he imagines that; listening, with Gloria knowing this was him once. But as the pavement gives way to the cobbled forecourt, with the uneven brown, red and grey stones beneath his soles, he stops dead.

‘I can’t, Gloria.’ He stares at the ground. ‘I can’t go in.’

‘Course you can,’ she says lightly, tugging him towards the entrance.

‘No!’ He didn’t mean to shout. A couple on their way in glance at them. ‘You go,’ he says under his breath, ‘I’ll meet you in forty-five minutes.’

She puts her face close to his so he has to look at her. ‘We’ve come all this way. Please. For me.’

He shakes his head. ‘I can’t.’

He marches twice around the perimeter of Jesus Green, then follows the avenue of London plane trees towards the river. He stops to watch a swan carve a velvety V in the water before walking under the bridge. Gradually he becomes aware of the repeated thwock of a tennis ball and two students on the courts to his right. The surface shines from recent rain. He watches the old tennis ball fly, ragged, between the students. If only he could do things others seem to do effortlessly; think about his past, knock it around like that beaten-up tennis ball, as if his memories could be prodded and poked without bursting open and destroying him.

He sits on a bench next to the tennis court and wonders how he’ll make this up to Gloria. Maybe forget the sandwiches back at their bed and breakfast and go out for a meal? William checks his watch, stands up and heads back to the college.

From a distance, he can see the forecourt dotted with people, and even from here, he can spot Gloria’s orange coat. She might be talking to someone, but he’s too far away to tell. Getting nearer, he’s puzzled by the group of men standing there. He speeds up, unsure of what mood he’ll find Gloria in and wondering whether between them they’ve got the energy to salvage what’s left of their time, to pretend that he’s all right.

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