I cut her off. “Since the last time we kissed, yeah.” I know it’s a big deal—considering my hard and fast rule about absolutely no kissing—but I don’t want to talk about the kiss. The last time we kissed our lives were completely different. We were nineteen and I had a baby in my belly. Too much has happened since then. He still doesn’t know the whole truth about the abortion I had. It’s too painful to think about and yet I can’t get his lips off my mind. I’ve got a hangover that has no cure, and I need to be talked off the ledge before I reach for the bottle again.

“How was it?”

“Soul-snatching. Heartbreaking. Blissful. And also never happening again so I need to move past that. I need to focus on what happens next.”

“And what’s that?”

“Surviving the rest of my time here.”

“How are you going to survive when you’re barely living?”

Living is for the brave. That isn’t me.

I change the subject and she allows it. We talk about the home renovations she and Justine are trying to get done and her mom’s recent return trip to Honduras. We keep chatting until I hear Kai come back. His movements are loud and precise, as if he’s alerting me to his every whereabout so I can easily avoid him. It’s a kindness I don’t deserve but take full advantage of anyway, only coming out for food when I know he’s in his room.

If I really wanted Kai out of my house I know he’d leave, so I’m left to grapple with what kind of person I am that I won’t let myself have him but I also won’t let him go.

I used to think I was nothing like my father, but every selfish decision I make calls that into question. I am the daughter of a woman who didn’t want me and a man who only views me as a gateway to his lost hopes and dreams. A product of pure selfishness. Was there ever any hope for me?

I pull out my phone and reach out to the man I actually have the courage to speak to right now.

Me: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convey how sorry I am to you

He answers moments later.

MDR: Liv. It’s been years. Too many years. You’ve gotta let it go

Me: I don’t know how

MDR: I don’t know either but I’m not gonna keep telling you that there’s nothing to be sorry for. You warned me and I didn’t listen

MDR: Is this about him?

Am I that transparent?

Me: Yes

MDR: Let him in, Liv. Let him help you

Me: That would make me a monster

MDR: How so?