I reach up and unclasp the cross, laying it on the bed. I should’ve said goodbye to it long ago, but it was how I held on to Olivia through the years. Now, we can both let go of the past. I slip the chain around my neck and clutch the pendant against my chest.

My body aches to find Olivia, but I know she wants me to read all the letters before I do, so I press on.

February 20, 2013

Dear Kai,

You want to know a secret?

When I found out the WPS was shutting down, I was happy.

It’s hard to still be passionate about something when your heart only beats at half the speed.

Now, I’m in Portland. Another new city without you, and I’m even more lost this time.

I met someone else.

He’s not you. No one is, but he’s sweet and makes me laugh. He wants me to give him a chance.

And here’s the kicker; he knows about you.

I told him, thinking it would scare him away. It didn’t. He’s still here and still trying.

Every day I tell myself I’m gonna let you go, and then every day, I prove myself to be a liar.

Maybe I like being a liar.

Maybe it’s who I am.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over you, but I think I have to try.

Right?

Love, Olivia

August 17, 2013

Dear Kai,

“Absence and death are the same, only that in death there is no suffering.”

Have you ever heard that before? It’s from Theodore Roosevelt. I heard it the other day and thought how fucking accurate.

All this suffering and for what?

Because of me, a man lost his career and reputation. The very thing I tried to save you from, I let happen to someone else. What’s wrong with me?

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. But where would I go? Back to when I decided to stay with him even though I was warned? Back to the moment I left you behind? Or maybe even further? Back to the day we met and make it so I never darken your doorstep? Or back to the very beginning of my story and just…make it stop?

I just want it all to stop.

-Olivia

June 19, 2014

Dear Kai,

I almost made it an entire year without writing to you.

But today, as I was settling in my new place in North Carolina, you were heavy on my mind, and I just needed to say something.

I needed to say thank you.

Thank you, Kai.

Thank you for the time we had. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I think I’m ready to let you go. I think I’ll lose myself in grief and regret if I don’t.