More Badass Tech Bonus Content

When the Two-Time is following his own path, when he’s running against the crowd, blazing his own trail in the arena of technological combat, he doesn’t just stop at flip phones.

Does the Doc ever stop at anything? Hell no.

So that means you’re gonna get to find out about VCRs and some other cool shit too.

Betamax VCRs

Remember these incredible machines?

Of course you don’t. You barely even know what a fucking DVD is. Well, look it the fuck up!

Back before Netflix, back before DVDs, even back before Blockbuster in all its VHS glory, there was Betamax. The original VCR tape. Smaller than the VHS tape, with longer potential runtimes and a higher-res image, the Betamax was superior to VHS in literally every way.

And it was made by Sony. Sony! The gods of tech! The same geniuses behind my experimental prototype night-vision scopes, not to mention the incredible Trinitron TV.

Yet the mighty Betamax got its ass kicked by VHS, becoming completely irrelevant a few short years after its release as VHS dominated the market.

Why? How the hell should I know? I’m not a historian.

But I keep an original Sony Betamax player in my top secret lab, right next to all my cutting-edge, advanced, multimillion-dollar audiovisual technology, to remind myself that if you let down your guard—even for a millisecond!—even the very best competitor can lose.

And also because I have a rare, first-edition original recording of Dolph Lundgren in Masters of the Universe on Betamax, which I watch every night before I go to bed.

Microwave Ovens

Fuck these newfangled microwave ovens with their digital displays and their rotating plates and their pussy-ass radiation-proof casing.

When I zap my frozen dinners, I want the complete classic all-American microwave experience. We’re talking original 1947 Raytheons. We’re talking six-foot-tall, seven-hundred-fifty-pound Cold War beasts. We’re talking a cute little bell that dings when your leftover pork chops are still frozen solid, and lymph nodes the size of watermelons from all the gamma rays.

That’s the experience I want when I’m microwaving my Orville Redenbacher popcorn for my nightly viewing of Dolph Lundgren in a blond wig and leather Speedos, all right?

Sony Discman

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Doc, what about the Walkman? Isn’t that more iconic, more retro, than the Discman?”

As usual, your question shows just how ignorant you really are. The point isn’t to embrace shit that’s iconic. And it damn well isn’t about being “retro,” whatever the hell that means. Do you see me lugging around an old Bell rotary phone wherever I go? Of course not!

The point is to be different! To go your own way!! And to look incredibly cool doing it!!!