“DOC! DOC! DOC!”

My theme song ends with this one undeniable eternal truth:

“The name isssssssssss Dr Disrespect!”

Followed by this totally awesome guitar solo by Slash from Guns N’ Roses. Then—look at that!!—Slash is actually there, in the arena, jamming in the crowd as knife fights break out all around him and everyone holds up their lighter and waves them in the air.

And I’m rocking out with my air guitar in the middle of it all, soaking in all the glory, and yeah, all right, so maybe it’s all a little over-the-top, maybe it’s all like way, way, way too much, but you know what? I’m the world fucking champ, and this is my fucking blockbuster movie montage, so I’ll make it as “too much” as I goddamn want.

“STOP! I COMMAND YOU!”

Still cloaked in shadows, sitting high on his balcony on his golden throne, Lord Hannn ruined the moment with his stupid shouting. I waved for quiet from my thousands of adoring fans.

“Listen up, Hannn,” I said, all calm and arrogant. “I dominated your ancient mysterious gaming tournament exactly like I said I would. Fair is fair, dude—hand over my winnings.”

He gestured behind him, and a flunky wheeled out this massive wooden chest and popped it open. That baby was full of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, gold bars, the works. This was like Jeff Bezos rich—before his divorce settlement.

“Fine,” he said. “But you’ll have to beat me first.”

I grinned. “Your funeral.”

The crowd—my crowd—went ballistic.

“DOC! DOC! DOC!”

“Doc!” Just Plain Usman said. “We gotta get going, man! I got the elite squad of commandos from the Other Brotherhood set to storm the compound in three minutes!”

“Call ’em off,” I said. “I destroy vicious international criminal organizations on my own time.”

I walked toward the console. Carl the Hunchback was giving me this weird look, like maybe there was a surprise plot twist coming up, but I shrugged it off.

“Let’s do this, Hannn!”

The game started. And I gotta admit, I thought Hannn’s whole “I’m gonna cut off my good right hand and replace it with a damn Xbox controller” thing was dumb as hell, but guess what?

It fucking worked!

That dude’s left hand moved like nothing I’ve ever seen. He was using one finger to jump, another finger to crouch. One finger to fire, another finger to reload. One finger to throw grenades, another finger to switch weapons, another finger to move, and another finger to zoom.

I mean, how many fingers did this motherfucker have? Looked like ten, twenty, thirty, plus maybe a dozen thumbs, all moving in a blur, hitting one button after another, jumping all over that stupid Xbox-controller implant.