“Machiavelli refined his political philosophy playing Sorry at KEFVGAAIR. Napoleon played Risk and was never the same afterward. Alexander Hamilton invented hip-hop doing ‘rhymes with’ in a game of charades.

“And then in 1943,” the hunchback said, “a revolution! The world’s first computer, ENIAC. And with it, the world’s first computer game.”

A slide popped up of a computer the size of a four-bedroom house.

Next to it, on a field of black—a single green dot.

“The game was called Dot. Pretty much all you did was, like, move that dot around the screen. It was really slow, and it only moved, like, two or three inches, and it blinked sometimes. Every now and then it would just disappear for ten or twelve minutes, and we’d think it was broken, then it would pop up again and everyone would yell, ‘DOT!’ Come to think of it, I’m not even sure it was a game. But it was a massive hit!”

“Cool,” I said. I was lying—it sucked.

“Dot begat Pong Pong begat Pole Position Pole Position begat Donkey Kong. Or maybe it was Donkey Kong that begat Pole—”

“I GET IT,” I said.

“The second revolution came in 1988, with the premiere of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s seminal martial arts and motion picture event, Bloodsport. Finally, after all those centuries, we had a backronym that fit KEFVGAAIR: Kumite Except for Video Games and Also It’s Real. As I’m sure you know, because you’re a grown man and you have the internet, the Kumite in Bloodsport was complete and total bullshit.”

“Look,” I said, “I know what it says on Wikipedia, but I still don’t believe the Kumite is fake. I mean, Frank Dux, Chong Li, Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds—they’re all personal friends of mine, or totally could be!”

The hunchback stood up as straight and tall as he could. That was still pretty crooked. Seriously, he was maybe four foot eleven, unless you count the extra four inches from his hump.

“All of this history has led to this moment,” he said. “Here. Now. With you, Doc.

“All those centuries of gaming champions—of warriors!—formed the powerful international criminal organization that is the Brotherhood. And now the Brotherhood is inviting you, the Two-Time, to compete at the highest level of gaming the world has to offer. To travel to Hong Kong to face off against the greatest, most elite competitors on the Earth, playing the newest, greatest innovation in video games: Halo.

“The winner gets a large chest full of ancient riches, gems, and gold doubloons that will instantly make him one of the wealthiest men alive. But more important than that, he will receive eternal honor, everlasting glory, and lifetime membership in the Brotherhood.”

“And the losers?” I asked.

“They will all be killed,” he said. “You must decide now, Doc.”