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Back Violence. Speed. Momentum.
Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Then when he’s done cleaning, hand him his drink and say, “To fast cars, world domination, and mysterious nosebleeds!” and watch him gulp it down.

8. Start Your Advanced Prototype Timex T7G51002 Timer

Assuming your posh, snooty Lambo salesman is of average weight and height, it’ll take a little over nineteen minutes for the drug to take effect.

Program your timer for nineteen minutes, then hit start.

9. Kill Time

Nineteen minutes is about seventeen minutes longer than small talk will last, so here are some insightful, totally inconspicuous questions you can ask your posh sales dude to distract him while the illegal poisonous compound works its magic.

  1. a) Just how many shades of black does Lamborghini offer anyway?
  2. b) How’s that nose of yours feeling?
  3. c) Are you a weak clotter?
  4. d) Do you currently take aspirin, Advil, Motrin, Nuprin, or Aleve?
  5. e) Has it been nineteen minutes since you drank that espresso?

10. Secure Your Test Drive

When that timer finally beeps, shout, “FINE! I’LL TAKE A TEST DRIVE.”

Then look over at the posh salesman’s manager and shrug, like “Where did you find this guy?”

The salesman won’t want his manager to think he’s about to blow a deal with such a successful, high-net-worth dude, so he’ll agree to give you the test drive immediately.

Once he does, you’ll have just enough time to give him your license and get through all the BS paperwork before the sales dude’s nostrils start to erupt like a blood volcano.

Driver’s License Distraction Bonus Content

At this stage there’s one other issue that’s almost impossible to avoid: your driver’s license, and the fact that it very clearly states your address.

For me, that’s 1 Rich Guy Street, Command Center Island, The Universe.II

Not a problem at a Lambo dealership.

For you, it’s 86 Dumbass Lane, Shithole, USA.

Definitely a problem at a Lambo dealership.

Also, you probably still own the same Velcro Incredible Hulk wallet you’ve had since middle school. I mean, I think it’s cool—but they might not.

So here’s what you’re gonna do.

Before you leave for the dealership, I want you to get out your Monopoly board game. That’s the one that’s shoved in the bottom of your closet with all the corners taped up, buried beneath Candy Land, Connect 4, Life, and Operation with the funny bone missing.

Take all those pink, orange, and blue Monopoly tens, fifties, and hundreds and stuff them in that Velcro Incredible Hulk wallet. I mean, just cram ’em in there. Pack it so it looks like the Hulk is about to bust out with all that cash, all right?