“Where are Sergey and Larry?” I demanded. “What the hell is going on here?”

“Sergey and Larry are out meeting with venture capitalists,” he said. “They get to do all the fancy glamour-boy stuff. It’s scientists like me who get stuck doing the real work, building the actual products.”

“You mean…”

“Yes,” he said. “We’ve been working for years to build the prototype for the ideal video game controller, but we finally realized that something was missing. One critical final ingredient. The ideal video game player.”

“So,” I said, “you really are stealing the secrets of my superhuman speed and reflexes?”

“Obviously.”

“Motherfucker!” I shouted. “I knew it! Larry and Sergey kept giving me all this shit about it. Like, ‘Why do you keep saying blah-blah-blah?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t know, seems pretty spot-on to me,’ and they’re like, ‘Blah-blah-lie-lie-lie.’ Fucking pricks!”

“Yeah, villains lie,” he said. “Between you and me, I’ve been searching for another gig for the last couple months. Not as easy as you’d think to find work as a sadistic scientist these days. I’m Paul, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said. “I’d shake hands, but you know—tubes, straps.”

“Yes, of course,” Paul said as he pressed some buttons on one of his machines.

“That pen they handed me did something to knock me out, didn’t it?”

“Indeed,” he said. “I invented a microscopic delivery system that injected a powerful tranquilizer through the pores in your fingers.”

“Man,” I said. “That’s awesome.”

“Thanks,” he said. “It’s nice to feel appreciated.”

“Look, Paul,” I said. “You seem like a nice enough dude. I mean, you could probably stand to do some squats, but whatever, I get it—you’re a science guy. Not everyone is as naturally athletic as I am.

“But here’s the deal. If you don’t let me out of here in five seconds, I’m gonna have to break out. And if I have to break out, I’m gonna have to hurt you. Now, I don’t wanna hurt you, but I mean, you are experimenting on me against my will, and I am a bloodthirsty battle hawk. So, from one doctor to another—let me go, or shit will get real.”

Paul laughed. I think he was going for a diabolical, evil villain laugh, but honestly it was pretty lame.

“You’re an exceptional human being, Doc,” he said. “I not only admit that—it’s the very reason you’re here. But I have an exceptional mind, and there’s no way you’re breaking out.