So that asshole Fred Savage and I sat down on the Champion’s Platform, with thousands of people watching, and cameras flashing, and C-SPAN airing us live on channel 57 (out of fifty-seven total), and we played Super Mario 3 for reasons that’ll be obvious to anyone who’s seen The Wizard. And that should be everyone, because I have been very clear about this!

Anyway, I’d love to tell you the play-by-play of the epic, vicious, bloody battle between me and Fred Savage, but he was telling the truth—he really did suck at video games. Seriously, like, Mr. Blockbuster could’ve beaten him. My mom could’ve beaten him. Hell, Bubbles could’ve beaten him using his flippers.

The funniest part of all was that Fred Savage was really, really trying to win, you know? Like, even though he knew he sucked, he was scrunching up his face and trying to concentrate while he played. And every time he screwed up—which was constantly—he’d make grunting sounds and say things like “Gosh darn it all!” and “Focus, Fred! Focus!”

I mean, I guess I could’ve given him credit for not giving up when facing a superior competitor like myself. But I knew that underneath all his bogus boy-next-door charm was the same asshole who’d left me in the dust during my time of need.

So instead I just laughed, absolutely obliterated him, and demanded the keys to his Lambo when I was done.

“Did you actually think I would give you my car?” he said. “You’re not even old enough to drive! And I never agreed to that bet!”

“Whatever,” I said. “I shoulda known an asshole like you would back out.”

“Why do you hate me so much?” he asked.

I turned and looked out at the thousands and thousands of people in the crowd. “You know,” I said, “I guess I should actually thank you. I came a long way to get to this championship. Dealt with a lot of shit on the lonely road that you and Corey Woods, your character in The Wizard, couldn’t even dream of. But nothing was harder than when you cursed me out and left me to die.

“But you know what?” I said, grabbing the collar of his polo shirt, which was buttoned to the very top. “It only made the Doctor even stronger.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” he said. “That was you?”

“Oh, so glad he finally remembers!” I shouted to the crowd. (I was being sarcastic.) “The man who screamed, ‘Fuck you! I hate children! Now, stay away from my beautiful car and go to hell!’ finally knows who I am!”

“I didn’t say any of those things!” he said. “I shouted, ‘Somebody help me! A naked maniac with incredible athleticism who’s holding some pretty cool He-Man pajamas is accosting me!’ ”

“Well,” I said, “that does sound a lot like me.”