The place was teeming with thousands of competitors from all over the nation, like a Model UN minus every country except for America. There were slick snipers from New York City, oiled-up console surfers from Hawaii, and thirty-two-bit cowboys from the dusty plains of Wyoming, all there to prove their mettle on the big stage.

Press was swarming everywhere. Radio, newspapers, network TV, satellite TV, pay-per-view TV, TV Guide, everyone. We’re talking Peter Jennings, we’re talking Tom Brokaw, we’re talking Wolf Blitzer—but no one really knew what CNN was yet, so even Connie Chung treated him like a bitch.

Music was blasting—BLASTING—from these huge Bose speakers hanging from the ceiling. Classics like Bel Biv DeVoe’s “Poison,” Lionel Richie’s “Hello,” and pretty much everything by Roxette (and I go la la la la la I’ve got the look).

And in the back looming behind it all, encased in an entire football field of thick protective glass, there was Bubbles the Killer Whale, arching and flexing in the icy blue water, baring fifty-six razor-sharp teeth, his glossy black eyes devoid of compassion. I never did find out how he saw out of those tiny eyes—it must’ve been his warrior spirit.

“Bubbles!” I shouted in my rage frenzy. “Bubbles! Give me your ruthless warrior spirit! Bless me with your killer instinct as I devastate my foes, earn honors and kippers beyond any gamer’s wildest dreams, and avenge my roadside humiliation at the hands of Fred Savage, who it turns out isn’t that nice!”

And lo, Bubbles spurted a victory geyser of spume into the sky and unleashed the unholy screech of a thwarted Nazgûl.

At that instant I turned and saw the Champion’s Platform, all decked out in rich Blockbuster blue and gold. There at the podium, standing next to this old wrinkled rich white dude who must’ve been Mr. Blockbuster himself, was none other than my newest nemesis, that asshole Fred Savage.

Mr. Blockbuster gazed out at the throngs of competitors and wheezed into the mic.

“Hello, everyone, I’m Mr. Blockbuster. I’m standing here with Fred Savage, honorary master of ceremonies and star of The Wizard, to kick off the greatest gaming competition the country has ever seen, the one-time-only Blockbuster Video Game Championship!”

Everyone applauded and Bubbles the Killer Whale thrashed like a caged Leviathan.

“And to launch Blockbuster’s new and improved Nintendo video game rental lineup!”