And above those two is a special trophy that Blockbuster made right after I won the second championship, just because they were so impressed that I won them both back-to-back, and that one also pretty much looks the same as the other two.

And above those three is this special commemorative trophy they gave me in 1999, to mark the five-year anniversary of my incredible back-to-back domination. That one is another bucket, except this time they’ve got a Sony LaserDisc coming out of the popcorn box, you know, a real sign of the Blockbuster commitment to cutting-edge technology.

And then above those four is another commemorative trophy they gave me for the eight-year anniversary of the five-year anniversary, I’m not really sure why, and this one just has a little index card in the popcorn box that reads “Fuck Netflix,” and they got the date of the inscription wrong by eleven days, but hey, you don’t get to be a Fortune 50 company like Blockbuster without thinking outside the box, am I right?

Anyway, the point of all this, in case you’re too chubby and out of shape to get it, is that I’m the Two-Time, Back-to-Back 1993–94 Blockbuster Video Game Champion, and it’s the biggest deal in all competitive sports anywhere on the planet.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Doc, we get that this is such a prestigious prize, because the name Blockbuster stands for the quality and innovation and success of a timeless Fortune 25 company. We get that your level of dominance in winning such a cutthroat tournament not just once but two times in a row is absolutely unprecedented. We get all that. But tell us, Doc, why does your back-to-back Blockbuster Video Game Championship mean so much more to you personally? As a god-man among men?”

Well, if you’d stop interrupting me with all these damn questions, I honestly would’ve told you all of that like ten minutes ago.

The truth is this award isn’t about only the glory or the prestige or even the destruction of my enemies. It’s about the hero’s journey. My journey. From no one to someone. From little guy to big guy. From small-town star to the biggest gamer the nation has ever seen.

It’s about the suffering I endured, the trials I overcame on that hard and lonely path.

Like the young hawk when he first spreads his wings and soars through thunder and lightning to reach the tippity-top of the mountain. Like the baby anaconda when he wriggles out of his skin and slithers through fire and broken glass to strangle his first man-prey. Or like Fred Savage when he embarked on his epic cross-country road trip of victory and mayhem in that classic masterpiece of video game cinema The Wizard.

And if you don’t get that reference, LOOK IT UP. Shit, kids these days!