But when Nigel the Editor quit my book, when he decided of his own free will to abandon Team Doc, he severed our bonds forever. I mean, I told the guy he might need my help someday—I told him!—way back on page whatever-it-was. And what did he do? He crapped a big steamy crap right on the face of everything we once shared, everything we once had.

And yeah, I know that metaphor is rough, but that’s how strong I feel about this!

And I’m sorry—hahaha, not at all—but there’s just no coming back from that, you know? Especially if “coming back” literally means I gotta fly a thousand miles in my chopper, battle hundreds of bloodthirsty knife-wielding henchmen, topple an ancient international criminal organization—again—and rescue your punk ass from a diabolical hunchback named Carl.

I mean, I haven’t even had lunch today!

I’m finally on my very last leftover chicken fajita plate from that first meeting at App Lebeés. When was that—four months ago? Five? Really amazing how well that stuff keeps. Can’t wait to dig in.

But because I’m a nice guy—seriously the nicest guy ever in existence—I have decided to honor Nigel the Editor’s last request. Or what will stand as his last request once the Brotherhood, you know, murders him or whatever.

That’s right. I’ll finally reveal to you, to the world, and to the memory of Nigel the Editor himself what, exactly, I am a doctor of.

And it’s all explained in my unprecedented, never-before-revealed fourth—that’s right, fourth!—origin story. Which I will proceed to tell…

NOW!

This will be hard, maybe even impossible, for your mind to comprehend, but in Dimension Quark there was a time when the Doctor wasn’t the Doctor.

That’s right. This dimension happens to be named after the most fundamental particle of physics. A pillar of quantum mechanics. A cornerstone of the universe itself. It’s a dimension in which time, space, and probability all combined to create the most profound, fundamental manifestation of reality ever envisioned by god or man: me.

So anyway, I was about ten and the fam and I were on a fun little vacay, right?

No big deal, just driving our brand-new Dodge Caravan around the country, stopping at campsites, seeing the sights.I To be honest, I straight-up had no idea where we’d been or where we were going, because I spent the whole time locked on my Game Boy, demolishing one Tetris world record after another.

Except for the video games, most of the time I was bored off my ass. I mean, camping? Really? I was a ten-year-old mini-champion in the making. Ready for new worlds to conquer, new foes to obliterate, new Lamborghinis to purchase and then crash in awesome high-speed chases. What the fuck did I care about roughing it?