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Back Violence. Speed. Momentum. Save as PDF
Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Then I got cast in—and became the only star in—The Expendables 7: Rise of the Doc. I say “the only star” because as soon as they found out I was gonna be in their little movie, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Statham all bailed because they knew I’d make ’em look like a bunch of skinny punks.

That one actually started out okay—it was gonna be this nice, sweet family film about the Expendables (me) overthrowing the democratically elected Nicaraguan government and installing an American puppet regime (also me). But then everyone got pissed when I really did overthrow the Nicaraguan government, not to mention Colombia’s and Peru’s, just for shits and giggles.

I’m not an unreasonable megastar, so I bought brand-new PlayStation 5s for the entire populace of each country, and that seemed to smooth things over for a sec. But then it went to shit all over again when I told the director he’d have to ditch the title The Expendables—because the Two-Time clearly is irreplaceable. Just wasn’t believable, you know?

Anyway, both Knight Rider: The Fall of Quibi and The Mustachables 7: Rise of the Doc still ended up being huge blockbusters. The people want what they want, you know? And what the people want is real destruction, real dominance, real athleticism, real onyx-black mullets. Even if that means I have to bruise a few egos, bankrupt a few companies, and blow up a few small countries to get it done, all right? Because what the people want is Dr Disrespect.

I understood that, and soon the entertainment industry—or “the Biz of Show,” as we insiders call it—did too.

I built myself a swanky new complex in the Hollywood Hills—to make room, I had to tear down Vin Diesel’s mansion and Jet Li’s and the Rock’s, but none of them seemed to mind once they realized how much taller I am.

I was the main draw at all the red carpets. I hosted exclusive invitation-only Call of Duty battle royales at my pad with all the biggest A-list stars—Dolph Lundgren, Wesley Snipes, Billy Zane, Stephen Dorff, Michael Madsen, Jean-Claude Van Damme—and a couple times I even let Billy Zane almost win, just for fun. Hell, JCVD moved into my guesthouse and I didn’t even know about it for five weeks—my estate is so damn huge I’d never even seen my guesthouse.

It was a fucking blast. For a while, anyway.

But it got stale real quick.