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Back Until I Find You Save as PDF
Chapters (60)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. 50
  55. EPILOGUE
  56. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  57. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  58. Also by Rea Frey
  59. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  60. Newsletter Sign-up

At the end of the hall, I nudge open the nursery door. The blueprint pulses in my head: dresser, crib, rocking chair, changing table. The baby cries again, a raspy, dry thing. It is cawing, achy, awful.

I reach into the crib and pick him up, but he cries harder. I sit in the rocking chair and run my fingers over his face—cupping the shape of his chin, his chapped lips, his smooth ears, his hair. I search for the notch in his collarbone where he got stuck during labor and find only a smooth blade of bone. He cries so hard, he starts gagging, and I shush him until I am breathless.

An unfamiliar scent invades my nostrils, and I stop rocking.

There’s a baby in this room: a baby who feels like Jackson, who looks like Jackson, who could probably pass for Jackson if someone wasn’t paying close enough attention.

But I am.

I yank a terrorized breath, but it does little to calm my nerves. My mind sparks, terrified. There’s only one thing I know: this baby is not Jackson.

This child is not my son.

14

CRYSTAL

On the way home from a client’s house, Crystal texts Bec to check in. She’s been worried about her all day and didn’t even have time to process what happened before she was back at work with a client.

As the streets drift by one after the next, she waves at neighbors. Though she’s been living here for months, she’s not really stopped to appreciate her new life or the friendly people in it. Between the grief group, therapy, motherhood, and work, she has little time for relationships. Her grip on the wheel softens. Except for Bec. She’s beyond thankful for their friendship and how good she is with Savi.

She puts on her blinker and waits to turn left. So many people have told her she should get back out there and date. But there’s no such thing as “casual” dating when you have a kid. Rebecca is the only one who really gets that. They’ve both joked about joining Bumble, and one drunken night, Crystal made a fake account and described all the guys so Rebecca could tell her which way to swipe. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so hard. Neither of them were ready for that next step, and Crystal couldn’t imagine a time when she would be. Not because Paul was dead … but just because she is too exhausted to put herself back out there in any real way. It is all just too much work.